1st birthday

The only clues I was given about how this day would feel were from others who have gone through it.  I thought today was going to be difficult, but I was not prepared for how hard it truly was.  I cannot believe that is has been an entire year since you were born.  How has it been 12 months since you came so quickly into this world?   How have 355 days passed since I last saw you or held you?

I've been told the anticipation of your birthday would be worse than the day itself.  That was definitely not the case for me.  I hoped it would be a normal day where we celebrated the day you entered our lives.  We tried to make that the focus.  But a birthday... a day that's supposed to be filled with joy, friends, cake, and presents, was instead filled with tears of all that is not.  I missed you so very much today.

Around 11 pm last night, the sadness hit.  I went to sleep holding your bear close to my heart.  I woke up in the arms of your daddy and a few tears were shed before my head ever left the pillow.  More tears fell during every transition of the day.  It's days like this that make me hate the routine of life.  I had to buy groceries.  I had to get gas.  I had to cook.  I had to clean up after dinner.  I wish the world would just stop once in a while.  My world came to a screeching halt last November 16 when you passed away.  I don't think I did anything for days.  I honestly don't remember.  I will plan ahead in years to come so that your birthday will always be a day of stillness and serenity.  Although the day was filled with much sadness and many tears, I was and am very grateful for a day where my mind was completely devoted to you and my love for you.  It's not often that I allow myself to grieve, so it was nice to be able to do that today.

As I said previously, we planned for today to be a celebration of your life.  The first thing I did was post this on facebook.  I posted it shortly after midnight.

"A year ago today, this tiny boy entered my life. I am forever changed from the short time I got to know and love him. Although I only had 10 short days with him, he redefined who I am and gave me a new outlook on life. Today, I'm wishing my son a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven.

If you would like to wish him a Happy Birthday, one way to do that would be to light a candle in his honor and post the picture in the comments on this post.

This has been a very challenging year full of many new twists and turns. I really appreciate all of your love and support."

The number of "likes" and comments of candles touched us so very much.  It is wonderful to be reminded that other people love you and remember you.  You were born at 3:35 pm, so I lit your cupcake candle and posted my own picture at that time.

Your sister wanted to bake you a cake (rather than buy one in the store) so we made a cake for you.  She chose strawberry icing which, ironically, is the same flavor she had on her first birthday cake.  I thought that was very sweet for you to have the same, so your cake was pink.  At least you got blue accents!

We went to the store and bought you a balloon.  The plan was to release it today but the weather wasn't very cooperative.  We may release your balloon tomorrow, but in the meantime, your sister is happy to keep it here  :)  

For dinner, we had one of daddy's favorite dishes.  Daddy set a place for you (first time he's done that and it definitely brought some more tears) and your sister brought your balloon out for you.  We placed your cupcake candle in front of your spot as well.  

After dinner, we lit your birthday candle and sang to you.  Thank goodness your sister was singing so enthusiastically because daddy and I could barely get through the song.  She blew out the candle for you and we served the first piece to a plate set aside for you.  

As we were eating our cake, your sister asked what we were going to do with your piece.  I thought about it and told her I bet you'd want to share it with your two sisters, so we split your piece in half.  She had one half and your baby sister (courtesy of me) had the other.  The baby started kicking around right after her little piece was eaten, so I know she enjoyed it.  

After dinner, we looked at your pictures.  Such happy times in the beginning of that book, and such a sad ending.  I closed the album before we got to your "Now I lay me down to sleep" pictures because I didn't think daddy could handle seeing those pictures tonight.  

After that, daddy got your bear (with your ashes in the locket around its neck) and planned to take it with him to a football game.  He felt like he would have taken you if you were here, so he wanted to do what he could to include you tonight.  He put it in his pocket and left for the game.  Your sister told daddy that your bear couldn't see the game from in there so she took the bear out and let it watch the game with her.  

She made sure your bear could see very well.  All in all, it was a very sad day but it was nice to have a day set aside to honor you.  

We all love you very much, William "Case" Caswell!  Happy 1st birthday, sweetheart,      

Eleven Month Birthday

Where has the time gone?  How is it possible that you would be nearly a year old right now?  I simply cannot imagine how different life would be if you were here.  I'm a party planner.  Your first birthday theme was already in the works well before your birth.  You'd be having a Hungry Caterpillar Birthday.  I already had the design for your shirt.  Your sister was going to wear a coordinating dress.  I was going to make cupcakes with green icing to look like the caterpillar from the book.  I'd be somewhat panicked at this point, making sure everything would be ready for your birthday which is a month away from today.  

But none of that is happening.  Instead, I'm planning how to honor you a month from today.  I bought a cupcake candle which I will light at the time of your birth.  3:34 pm.  We are purchasing a memory tree to be planted in your honor.  It will be nice to be able to visit a place that is meant just for you.  We had planned to possibly spread your ashes on your birthday, but perhaps we will keep waiting.  I can't imagine letting go of the only part of you still on this earth.  It has to be done at some point.  I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet.  I would rather be planning a party instead.

It is starting to become Fall now.  I was showing quite a bit at this point last year.  We went to pumpkin festivals, fall festivals, and did lots of fun Halloween activities.  October was the last full month of your life, while you were still tucked safely inside.  I vividly remember October.  It was such a joyous time.  We were filled with such excitement about you being able to enjoy all of the fall festivities with us the following year.  We went trick-or-treating on October 31st.  Your sister had a blast!  I don't remember November 1st.  November 2nd, I started having contractions.  That night, we went to the hospital and found out how close to birth you were.  It all happened so fast.  Everything changed so fast.  

This fall is nothing like last fall.  The leaves falling off the trees make me sad.  Every day is feeling a little melancholy.  Your little sister, who is 22 weeks gestation tomorrow, is bringing a little sweetness to our lives.  All the memories of you is bringing some sadness too.  Life is such a strange paradox.  A year ago, I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that would soon strike.  I lived in a naive little pregnancy bubble.  I no longer live there.  I no longer understand "coasting through pregnancy" nor will I ever be ignorantly blissful again.  

I am mostly the same person I have always been.  Losing you made me more aware of how many losses there are.  It has also made me more thankful for every minute I have with your big and little sister, as well as allowing me to be more compassionate towards others.  If any good has come from losing you, it's the impact you had on me.  

I keep thinking ahead to what Nov. 6 - Nov. 16 will be like this year.  Last year, Nov. 6 was such a joyous but fear-filled day.  You were born 12 weeks early, but you came out screaming.  You were breathing without help pretty soon after birth.  We got to see your sweet face and touch your soft hair and tiny hands.  The next 10 days were mostly ups; we were so deeply in love with you.  I wonder how that will be next month.  November 6 - 16.  It will pass in the blink of an eye, just like it did last year.  But this year will be sad.  Happy memories, but sad that they stopped so soon.  

I hope you're having a nice time up in heaven.  I don't know if they celebrate birthdays up there.  Maybe they celebrate "entry days".  Regardless, we'll be thinking of you down here, little guy.

Love you.

Ten Month Birthday

Hey, little guy!  I've been thinking about you a lot.  It's amazing how peace slowly enters with time.   Don't get me wrong... there are still MANY days that I'm an emotional wreck inside, but I'm gradually feeling "okay" with the way things are.  If given a choice, I would definitely change this path, but I know you're in a better place and that I'll be there with you some day.

Over the past few months, I have been sharing life changes, one piece of news at a time.  Daddy got a new job.  We moved to a new state.  We bought our first home.  Mommy started working part time again.  This month, your sister started preschool again and... you're going to be a big brother!  You already knew that, but the readers of this blog didn't.  :)

When I found out I was expecting, I was told that this baby had the best guardian angel ever: you.  As we passed each "milestone", I really did feel like you were protecting this new life.

Things have been rather bittersweet this time around.  First, this baby never would have been conceived if you had lived.  We always wanted many children but after preterm labor, I decided that was it.  I wasn't going to put my body through that again.  And then you passed away and everything changed.  I hoped we'd conceive in March or April, but that didn't happen.  May rolled around.  That's the month you were conceived.  I was scared of having a pregnancy that so closely mirrored yours, but I didn't want to throw away a month of trying either.  So lo and behold, you and this baby are only a year and 10 days apart, according to gestational age.

The first ultrasound, you measured 4 days ahead.  I was supposed to be 6w1d, and you measured 6w5d.  This baby decided to copy you.  6w1d, also measured 4 days ahead.  I had an anterior placenta with you.  I do this time around as well.  At this stage (17w4d), you were kicking up a storm and I could really feel you.  This baby isn't quite as strong as you :)  I looked back at some past pictures and realized we found out you were a boy on Thursday, August 28.  Our anatomy scan was scheduled for 10 days after yours so I assumed we'd find out then.  But on August 29, we went in for a cervix check and found out you're having a little sister!  It's still so strange to me that we found out one year and one day after we found out you were a boy.

My feelings about having a girl are very mixed.  Either way, this is going to be hard.  I was terrified of this one being a boy and actually hoped for a girl.  I knew I'd be tempted to live out my hopes and dreams for you through a new little boy.  You cannot be replaced and I feel I would try to do that if we had another son.  Perhaps it was God's way of making sure you stay just the same in my heart.  The drawbacks of this being a girl are that we'll never have a son.  Regardless of the outcome, my body cannot handle another pregnancy.  So this is it for us.  Our son is in heaven and hopefully we'll have two daughters on earth.

There's always the awkward question of "How many kids do you have?".  I've found the perfect answer for when I'm not in the mood to go into detail.  I can honestly say I have one daughter.  And now with this one coming along, I can say I have two daughters.  The question that might cause me to punch people will be, "Are you going to try for a boy?"  What to say... I won't hesitate to say I have a boy.  He's in heaven.  I just know people will regret asking.  Why do people feel it's okay to ask these things?  Even if we hadn't lost you, our family is our business.

Back on track.  You would be 10 months old now, which means your birthday is in 2 months.  That is shockingly soon.  Your adjusted age would be a little over 7 months.  That's when your sister began crawling.  That's when we were trying new foods with her.  That's when we learned she LOVED bluegrass music.  I wonder what you'd be doing now.  I bet you'd love avocado.  You'd probably like bluegrass too but you wouldn't get to hear it because your sister sings Frozen songs all day long.  You'd probably prefer her singing :)  I know she'd love playing with you.  She's very excited about another baby; she's just as excited as she was about you.  We think about you all the time and still talk about you quite a bit.  Thanks for watching over us, little guy.  We all love you very much,

Love, mommy

Nine Month Birthday

I've heard that grief comes in waves.  I think grief has changed for me though.  I vividly remember crying for the entire month after you passed away.  The tears gradually lessened as the hole you left became more obvious.  And now, grief is much more about missing you.

You would have been around 6 1/2 months old if you were born "on time".  Other people's babies didn't cause me to miss you in the past, but that is no longer true.  It seems everywhere I go, there is a 6 month old baby.  I see them trying to stand, giving gummy smiles, holding on to their mother's shoulder or hair as they're being held.  That should be you.  That should be us.  You would be up on all fours now, probably getting ready to crawl.  You'd be eating your first solid foods, too.  My guess is this "should be" never changes.  In 10 years, I'll be thinking of how you should be starting 5th grade and missing you just the same as I do now.

At the same time, I am very grateful for you.  I only had 10 days with you, but that's 10 more than some people get.  With having just moved, it is very strange that everywhere I go, no one knows about you.  I usually have to stop myself from bringing you up.  I would love to talk about you all the time, wear your picture on my forehead, let the world know you were here and you were loved.  But for some reason, people are very uncomfortable when talking of babies that have passed away.  It's a very confusing thing because babies are alone in that category.  If you lose a grandparent, no one bats an eye when you mention them.  It's socially acceptable to speak of lost friends, lost relatives, and any other person who has passed.  But babies, people get uncomfortable.  I'm not sure why it's that way and I sure wish it wasn't.  I would mention you to everyone I met if it was socially acceptable.  I find it so odd that I'm meeting all these new people and they have no idea that I lost someone so precious.   They see me with a daughter and have no idea I also have a son.

I've been thinking about my last few days with you on the inside.  I remember how the nurses would come in to monitor your heartrate and they'd always comment about how you were so easy to track.  I remember when they told me they'd finally take me off this AWFUL medicine if I didn't have a contraction in an hour.  I didn't move a muscle for fear it would cause a contraction, and then they took me off the medicine.  I spent another day on labor and delivery, waiting for a room to open up in the "long-term bed-rest" area.  It was actually a fun day!  Your sister came to visit.  Daddy came too.  We read books and watched a movie together.  Your sister ate some of my lunch.  Daddy went home to put your sister down for her nap and that was the last time we were all together as a family.  Funny thing is, I didn't realize that until just now as I was typing this.  I will always treasure that time.  Your sister laying next to me in bed, me reading her a book, Daddy sitting in the chair by the window trying to get me to eat more of my food, and your heartbeat sounding loud on the monitor.  Your sister always loved hearing your heartbeat.   

Just like months before, she still talks about you.  I worry how people will react when she tells them about you.  She sees your life and death as fact, not emotion, but she misses you.  I hope that people will give her a hug and tell her they're sorry you're gone.  I'm also hoping you'll give her a hug too, since I'm sure you'll be watching over her.

I know it sounds morbid, but I recently heard one bereaved mother say that every day on this earth is one day closer to being with her son again.  I don't wish my earthly days to end any time soon, but I'm glad that when they are over, I'll be with you once again.  I miss you, Case.

Love Mommy 
     

Eight Month Birthday

I did not forget about you, sweet boy!  This month was very full for us.  On July 6, your 8 month birthday, we moved from Florida to North Carolina.  We just got internet access today, so I am finally able to write to you.  

Your daddy was a career counselor at Florida State and is now a professor at Wake Forest.  His career move is why we made a family move.  This move allows us to set down some roots.  We purchased our first home and plan to stay here for many, many years.  It has a room that would be perfect for a little boy.  I think of you every time I set foot in there.  Here is our new house.

Your sister is always dressing like a princess and wants to wear "fancy jewelry".  The necklace she keeps asking for is her "Baby Case" necklace.  Some friends of mine gave it to her after you passed away.  It warms my heart that she want to wear it.  It says your name and "I love you to heaven and back".  After she got hers, I got one very similar to it. 

 
Looking back, last month I talked about the NT scan when we got to see you.  We got to see you again just a few weeks later at 17 weeks.  That's when we found out you were a boy!  With your sister, we didn't want to know the gender ahead of time.  We chose to be surprised when she was born.  Because we were high risk with you, we knew we'd have many ultrasounds and I feared we would see "something" on accident so I wanted to find out in a fun way.  

At the ultrasound, we asked the tech to put your gender in an envelope.  We were going to give the envelope to my friend who was going to pack a box with a boy outfit or a girl outfit.  Then Daddy and I were going to have a nice dinner and unpack the box at dinner.

During the scan, we looked away at the crucial moments.  We made it through the whole scan without seeing anything on accident.  After the scan, the doctor came in and asked the tech to take one more measurement.  As SOON as she put the wand on my belly, we saw a complete crotch shot.  No doubt about what we were seeing!  We immediately knew you were a boy.  No doubt about it.  We shielded our eyes and turned our heads as she covered the screen with her hand.  So much for our hopes of not seeing something on accident, haha!  Because we weren't 100% sure of what we were seeing, we kept our plan.

That night, my friend packed the box and Daddy and I went out to dinner.  We waited until dessert to open the box.  My friend is a sweetheart.  She called ahead of time to tell the staff we were going to be there and asked them to bring us a dessert on her.  They did it on the house.  So while we were sharing our "congratulations" dessert, we opened the box.  There was a card with a picture of your sister on it.  And it said "I'm going to have a... Baby BROTHER!"  We were a little nervous about having a boy since we only knew our little girl.  But within an hour, we were thrilled that we were going to have a son too.  We stopped by the bookstore, picked up a baby name book, and then went to the lake to pour through names.  We had a name already picked out but we wanted to go through all the names again since we knew we were having a little boy.

You were the sweetest looking little guy!  At that time, I didn't have a clue what you looked like.  At your sister's anatomy scan, I immediately knew she looked like me.  All I knew was that you didn't look like me.  It was a waiting game to see who you actually did look like.  It turns out you were your daddy's clone, except you got lucky and got your momma's nose.  ;)  

I miss you a lot.  It's strange how you creep into conversations even when I don't intend to mention you.  I hugged your bear as I fell asleep last night, thinking of how I should be staring in to a monitor as you're spending your first nights alone in your new room.  I hope that you're enjoying heaven and can feel our love pouring from our hearts.  The very first thing I did in our new home was light your memory candle.  Daddy said he was glad you were included on our first night here.  You'll always be a part of our family and a big piece of my heart is always with you.

Happy 8 month birthday, little guy. 
    

Seven month birthday

Yesterday, you would have been 7 months old.  I really cannot believe it has been that long. 

Last month, I shared our 8 week ultrasound visit.  In between then and the NT scan, I could check on you at home with a fetal doppler.   The first time I found your heartbeat was around 10 weeks and it was pretty easy to find after that.  I would search for your heartbeat, listen for less than 20 seconds after I found it, and then turn the doppler off.  It gave me a chance to make sure you were doing okay any time I was worried, which was a lot!  

The next time we got to see you was for an NT scan.  We were very spoiled with all of the ultrasounds and LOVED getting a peek at you!  The NT scan is supposed to detect any abnormalities early on so that the parents can be prepared.  I always had a sense of worry about you but assumed it was due to having two losses before you.  I just always worried that something would be wrong.  The NT scan would have told us if you had Downs Syndrome and in the back of my mind, I was hoping that was what my sense of dread was about.  If you had Downs, it would be okay.  We would love you regardless.

The NT scan went well.  Everything measured ahead, just like normal for you.  From what they could tell, you didn't seem to have any physical problems, but they gave me a blood test just to be sure.  The blood test confirmed that you did not have Downs.  The nurse expected me to be a lot more excited about that news, but it took one possible explanation for my worry off of the table.   The nurse asked if we wanted a gender guess.  She was 85% sure you were a boy.  She was right!  

Such a cutie, even at 12w4d weeks gestation.  We put your ultrasound pictures up on the fridge and told all of our friends and family about you after that appointment.  We were so proud of you and excited to add to our family.   We had been keeping you a secret from your sister due to our other two losses but told her about you that weekend.  She was very excited that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy but thought you would be a "sister".

Typically, our days are just like they used to be.  The irony of losing a baby before you can bring it home is life really doesn't change.   It was supposed to, and we were really looking forward to that change, but it never happened.  Your sister remembers so much.  She talks about you quite often.  She is always asking if I remember when I had a baby in my tummy and mentions it whenever we drive by the hospital (which is usually 4 times a day).   She likes to play doctor and tells us that she has to be "on rest" because she has a baby in her tummy.  It's so sweet that she remembers so much.  

When we got your keepsake box from the hospital, we were told that we could come back and talk about what happened whenever we were ready.  I am finally ready to do that and it's going to be so difficult.  When they called me to confirm a time, just seeing the NICU number on my phone made me choke up.  I can't imagine stepping foot in that building, the only place we ever KNEW you, and not having you with us.  Your daddy said he was driving down Magnolia Road in the dark when he was told you weren't doing well, so driving there at night will often bring a flood of memories to him.

There have been a few other things this month that have brought my sadness out again.  You NEVER "get over" losing anyone, much less your sweet baby so it makes sense that sadness will wax and wane.  A very close friend of mine experienced a miscarriage this month.  Her due date was going to be February 4, just two days after your due date.  Seeing that due date brought back a flood of emotion anyway, but then for her to have miscarried, it's just been difficult.  I prayed she would never have to go through any of the pain I've experienced and my heart just aches for her. 

Another thing that brought out my sadness again was this bear.  

He is an FAO Schwartz bear that I added weight to for a friend of mine.  After you passed away, I found out about an organization called Molly Bears.  They create bears weighing the exact amount of the baby who passed away, allowing the mother to hold something that was the same weight as their child once again.  The organization is very busy so the wait time to get your bear is around 18 months.  I couldn't wait that long so I made one of my own, a 2 lb 10 oz "Chocolate Bear" as your sister calls it.   I shared Chocolate bear with a group of friends and a sweet mom asked if I could make one for her as well.   Her son, Dane Jr., passed away from SIDS at 26 days old.  Her bear has an embroidered heart with her son's name and a bow tie made from one of her son's outfits.   "Brother Bear" (as her daughter calls it) is 21" and weighs 8 lbs 4 oz., exactly the same as her son.  I hope to be able to offer these to many other moms in the near future.
  
 We love you today and always, sweet Case.  Sending you some hugs and kisses!
 
  

Halfy Birthday! You'd be 6 months old today

The waxing and waning of grief has rolled over me this month.  A few days ago, I was constantly on the verge of tears.  Today, I'm back to feeling like "me".  I am very used to the fact that you're gone and aren't coming back.  I'm not angry about it nor do I question why, but there are days that I simply miss you.  You'd be 6 months old right now.  I vividly remember when your sister turned 6 months old.  She had a "half" cake for her halfy birthday.   You had more hair at 28w gestation than she did at 6 months (even 15 months) old.  She was a cue-ball!

Because you're not here to celebrate, I'll bake a cake in your honor.   After your sister wakes up from her nap, we're going to buy a balloon and release it for you.  I'm looking forward to it because it will be the first time I've done something like this.   I'm sure it will be the first of many.

Mothers' Day is this coming Sunday.  It's strange to have so much tied in a day, but Mothers' Day is going to be very hard for me this year.   Oh course it's difficult to celebrate Mothers' day without one of your children, but there is much more tied to this day when it comes to you.  I enjoy coming up with names for our babies during the gestational period.  Your sister was "The Rock", which was short for Shamrock since she was due in mid March.  Daddy liked it because he enjoys wrestling.  Beanie was called that because that's what your daddy called him when we first saw his heartbeat.  He looked like a little bean on the ultrasound monitor.  Nole actually began as Noel.  Noel was conceived on Christmas, and being due in September, football season, I felt like Nole might be a better nickname.  I used both interchangeably.  Then it was your turn.  You were conceived on Mother's Day, so you were our Mother's Day Baby.  From then on, known as MDB.  I think about you every day, but I think Mother's Day will be exceptionally hard without my MDB with me.

At your 4 month birthday, I had decided to relive the early memories of you and will continue with that.  The only memory I shared so far was when we first saw you and what a relief that was.  2 weeks later, it was time for our 8 week appointment.  Both of our losses happened in the 7th week so we were a little nervous.  I can't explain why, but I just knew everything was going to be okay though.  Daddy kept your sister in the hallway while I laid on the table waiting for the ultrasound to begin, just in case.  He would come in once he was told everything was okay.  We didn't want your sister to see us sad at that moment if you were not okay.  Not even 10 seconds later, the nurse and I both called for Daddy and your sister to come in.  We could see your heartbeat flicker and told your sister what she was looking at, but didn't tell her she was going to be a big sister yet.  Here you are at 8 weeks gestation.  Once again, you measured 4 days ahead.  Always an over-achiever!

   

We love you, Case.  Happy halfy-birthday, sweet boy. 

Five Month Birthday

Life after losing Case has been very difficult but we move forward every day.  Always moving forward.  Never moving on.  It's a very strange place to be, but it's one we will be accustomed to at some point.  You never "move on" after loss.  You simply continue moving forward.

Grief comes and goes.  This month, it came full force for me.  So many daily tasks are stinging reminders of what we lost, of what we left behind.  I realize that as we walk places as a family, people see a happy group of the 3 of us and think our family is ideal and just the way we wanted it.  No one can look at us and see the missing baby that would be 5 months old today.  Nobody can see the gaping hole in my heart where the love of watching him grow up should be.  

We went on a walk the other day and brought the stroller in case our 3-year-old's legs got tired, which meant I was pushing an empty stroller for a while.  And so I walked, thinking the whole time about how this stroller should be filled with a sweet little boy.   Then my mind wandered to what life would have been like.  How would we be adjusting to life with a preemie at home?  Would we have been able to take walks with him?  Would he be healthy now or would we need to go to the doctor all the time?  Would he be breastfed or would I still be pumping?  Would he still look so much like his sister?  So many things I'll never know the answers to.

We had an amazing opportunity this month to go to Hawaii thanks to the generous gifts from some wonderful friends of ours.  Seth had a conference there which we knew about months ago.  I wanted to go (who wouldn't?) but once I was pregnant with Case, we knew it wouldn't be a possibility.  He was due Feb. 2 so he would have been about 6 weeks old.  I wouldn't have been comfortable taking him on a plane (for 17 hours of travel) at that young age, and I certainly wouldn't have felt right leaving him.  Simply going on this trip was a blessing and a horrible reminder.  A blessing because it's always been a dream of mine to go to Hawaii.  A horrible reminder because I should have been home, spending long days and sleepless nights nursing a newborn and entertaining a toddler.  

I had hoped the trip would be a perfect way to "forget" about life's struggles.  Turns out, it was the perfect way to "think" without a toddler, crafts, taxes, bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. getting in the way.  The amount of babies and toddlers there shocked me.  Instead of getting away, I was constantly reminded.  To be honest, I was okay with that.  It wasn't a sad trip by any means, but I thought about Case and hoped for the future the entire time we were there.  I look at families in a completely different way now though.  My mind goes back and forth between hating them for having more than one child and then thinking they may have lost a baby too.  Life isn't "perfect" for anyone.  And then I wonder why this is our story, why this is our path.  

A friend of mine recently told me that she grieves the loss of the future she had planned for herself.  She's missing out on the future SHE had planned, but she's not missing out on anything GOD had planned for her.  That moved me in a way I can't put to words.  I know our journey isn't over.  I have no idea what the next step will be.  Does our future involve more biological children?  Adopting a baby?  Adopting a toddler?  Adopting siblings?  No more children?  I feel very blessed with the wonderful little girl we have and the few days with our amazing boy, yet I crave the insanity multiple children would bring to our lives.       

I think about Case every day.  I think about what color his eyes would be.  If he would sleep through the night now.  How frightened I'd be when he did sleep through the night.  If his apnea monitors would be going off and scaring the tar out of me.  If big sister would want to help with everything or if she would be battling for attention.  If Case would have looked like a normal 2-month-old now or if he'd have physical signs of being a preemie.  I think about him and miss him a little more every day.

Happy 5-month-birthday sweet boy.  I hope you're feeling the hugs I'm sending your way.              

 

Four Month Birthday

Sweet, sweet Case...

We miss you so much these days.  Everything is a reminder of you and the life that should have been.  I've spent a lot of time this month thinking back to all of the memories of you.  Most people only knew you to be "alive" for 10 days, but the journey leading to those 10 days was quite eventful.

In September of 2012, we began trying for another baby.  In October, we found out we were pregnant and were very excited.  We made plans to tell everyone about the baby on Thanksgiving.  I would have been 7 weeks pregnant.  The Friday before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor and saw a "healthy" little bean with a strong heartbeat.  I was 6 weeks, 4 days from my calculations but the baby measured 6 weeks, 1 day.  On Wednesday night, the day before Thanksgiving, I unexpectedly began bleeding and we lost "Beanie".  

In December, I was so angry that I wasn't pregnant so we tried again and found out we were expecting another baby!  This one, I called "Nole".  Because of the heartache we had the previous time, I decided to wait until 8 weeks for the first visit.  We went in on February 4th and I should have been 7 weeks 5 days.  Nole measured 7 weeks 3 days and didn't have a heartbeat.  We were devastated.  After losing Nole, the doctors did some testing on me and told me to take x, y, and z to hopefully have a better pregnancy outcome.  We were also told to wait 3 cycles before trying again.

In May, we were ready to try again.  By the end of May, we knew we were expecting you but were very cautious.  I spent every day terrified of losing you.  Around 5 1/2 weeks, I began spotting and feared the worst.  That was a Friday so I had to wait until Monday to check on you.  As your daddy and I sat in the waiting room, I was hyperventilating, thinking I couldn't possibly go through this again.  I was shaking so badly and was so scared that the ultrasound tech had to make me take deep breaths to even be able to see you.  I so clearly remember that scene and the wonderful words I heard.  She said, "I see a baby... and I see a HEARTBEAT!"  She was so happy for us!  Then she said something about how you didn't look like 6w1d and I began to get scared again.  However, she told us you were bigger!!!  You measured 6w5d!  

I never expected to get emotional in that room.  It was the same room we found out about Nole passing.  And because Nole passed further along than you were, I didn't think hearing good news would affect me.  But it did, way more than I ever expected.  It was quite possibly the happiest moment in my life.  Your daddy held my hand and we cried; we cried tears of joy.  I believe the tech shed some tears too.  You started life ahead of the game and were always a strong little fighter.

March of has been pretty eventful for us.  Your big sister turned 3!  She had a puppy-themed party at the park, and a lot of our friends came to join in the celebration.  At the party, I felt at peace.  I felt like you were there, celebrating with us.  You were sorely missed but I could sense your presence.  I hope I will always feel you near when I'm wishing you were there.  We love you today and always.

Love, 
Your Mommy
   

Three Month Birthday

I can't believe it's been 3 months since the day you were born.  It seems like just yesterday, yet a lifetime ago.  

This week has been harder than most.  Your due date, February 2, was Sunday.  It's crazy that you should have just been born.  I don't "check on you" in the back seat of the car as much now.  I'm getting more used to the fact that you're not here; I don't think I'll ever be okay with you being gone though. 

While I was pregnant with you, I had many friends who were due within a few weeks of me.  All but one of them has given birth now.  One has a baby in the NICU because she came 6 weeks early.  Seeing their newborns and getting updates from them has made this week especially difficult.  By now, you definitely would have been home.

The strangest thing is that I feel like your death is an impossibility.  In my mind, something happened that caused us to give you up for adoption and now you're being raised by another family.  I want to find you and fight to get you back.  I wish I had that option.  I think that I feel that way because I sort of did give you to someone else to raise.  I gave you to God.  Not willingly, but you left this earth and are with him now.  I wish you were with me.  I know you'll do just fine in heaven though.  It's us on earth that are missing out.

Your sister talks about you a lot now.  She says she's sad that you passed away.  She calls you , "My baby, Case."   Everyday, I see how good of a big sister she would have been/is to you.  I hope you can feel how much she loves you.  We all love you.  

Happy 3 month birthday, little one.

Love mommy

Two month birthday

Dearest Case,

Life is a strange sense of normalcy.  Everything is the way it was, but nothing is the way it should be.  A few weeks ago, I had this strange feeling that I was forgetting something as I was walking out the door.  After stopping and looking around the house twice, I realized it was you I was forgetting.  My mind knew you should be with us as we were leaving and was "reminding me" to grab the car seat.  Something similar happened as I was driving the other day.  I looked in the back seat to see your sister and then glanced back to see you, only to remember that you weren't back there. 

The other morning, I was sitting at the kitchen table as your sister was eating her breakfast.  There was a strange sense of calmness in the house and it took me a minute to place the reason.  Life shouldn't be calm and normal right now.  Everything should be hectic.  I have no doubt that you would have been home by now.  Your daddy thought you'd be home by Christmas.  My guess was New Year's Day.  Now it's January 6th.  You would have been home by now.  I just know it.  We would be juggling life with a newborn and a toddler.  The calm moments at the table wouldn't be happening.  Our bedroom and living room would be full of baby gear.  My dresser would be a drawer short to fit your baby clothes.  I'd be changing lots of diapers, teaching your sister all about babies, figuring out your nursing schedule, learning your personality, figuring out your cries, and not getting any sleep.  But I can honestly say I would have loved every minute. 

I get this sense that you're always telling me, "Don't worry, mom.  I'm doing great!"  I'm so thankful that I can "hear" you speaking to me.  I hope the connection goes both ways and that you can hear the things I say to you too.  

A dear friend drew some pictures as a gift for us.  They will always be treasured.  

   

We love you, Case.   We always will.