Last month, I shared our 8 week ultrasound visit. In between then and the NT scan, I could check on you at home with a fetal doppler. The first time I found your heartbeat was around 10 weeks and it was pretty easy to find after that. I would search for your heartbeat, listen for less than 20 seconds after I found it, and then turn the doppler off. It gave me a chance to make sure you were doing okay any time I was worried, which was a lot!
The next time we got to see you was for an NT scan. We were very spoiled with all of the ultrasounds and LOVED getting a peek at you! The NT scan is supposed to detect any abnormalities early on so that the parents can be prepared. I always had a sense of worry about you but assumed it was due to having two losses before you. I just always worried that something would be wrong. The NT scan would have told us if you had Downs Syndrome and in the back of my mind, I was hoping that was what my sense of dread was about. If you had Downs, it would be okay. We would love you regardless.
The NT scan went well. Everything measured ahead, just like normal for you. From what they could tell, you didn't seem to have any physical problems, but they gave me a blood test just to be sure. The blood test confirmed that you did not have Downs. The nurse expected me to be a lot more excited about that news, but it took one possible explanation for my worry off of the table. The nurse asked if we wanted a gender guess. She was 85% sure you were a boy. She was right!
Such a cutie, even at 12w4d weeks gestation. We put your ultrasound pictures up on the fridge and told all of our friends and family about you after that appointment. We were so proud of you and excited to add to our family. We had been keeping you a secret from your sister due to our other two losses but told her about you that weekend. She was very excited that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy but thought you would be a "sister".
Typically, our days are just like they used to be. The irony of losing a baby before you can bring it home is life really doesn't change. It was supposed to, and we were really looking forward to that change, but it never happened. Your sister remembers so much. She talks about you quite often. She is always asking if I remember when I had a baby in my tummy and mentions it whenever we drive by the hospital (which is usually 4 times a day). She likes to play doctor and tells us that she has to be "on rest" because she has a baby in her tummy. It's so sweet that she remembers so much.
When we got your keepsake box from the hospital, we were told that we could come back and talk about what happened whenever we were ready. I am finally ready to do that and it's going to be so difficult. When they called me to confirm a time, just seeing the NICU number on my phone made me choke up. I can't imagine stepping foot in that building, the only place we ever KNEW you, and not having you with us. Your daddy said he was driving down Magnolia Road in the dark when he was told you weren't doing well, so driving there at night will often bring a flood of memories to him.
There have been a few other things this month that have brought my sadness out again. You NEVER "get over" losing anyone, much less your sweet baby so it makes sense that sadness will wax and wane. A very close friend of mine experienced a miscarriage this month. Her due date was going to be February 4, just two days after your due date. Seeing that due date brought back a flood of emotion anyway, but then for her to have miscarried, it's just been difficult. I prayed she would never have to go through any of the pain I've experienced and my heart just aches for her.
Another thing that brought out my sadness again was this bear.
He is an FAO Schwartz bear that I added weight to for a friend of mine. After you passed away, I found out about an organization called Molly Bears. They create bears weighing the exact amount of the baby who passed away, allowing the mother to hold something that was the same weight as their child once again. The organization is very busy so the wait time to get your bear is around 18 months. I couldn't wait that long so I made one of my own, a 2 lb 10 oz "Chocolate Bear" as your sister calls it. I shared Chocolate bear with a group of friends and a sweet mom asked if I could make one for her as well. Her son, Dane Jr., passed away from SIDS at 26 days old. Her bear has an embroidered heart with her son's name and a bow tie made from one of her son's outfits. "Brother Bear" (as her daughter calls it) is 21" and weighs 8 lbs 4 oz., exactly the same as her son. I hope to be able to offer these to many other moms in the near future.
We love you today and always, sweet Case. Sending you some hugs and kisses!
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