We miss you so much these days. Everything is a reminder of you and the life that should have been. I've spent a lot of time this month thinking back to all of the memories of you. Most people only knew you to be "alive" for 10 days, but the journey leading to those 10 days was quite eventful.
In September of 2012, we began trying for another baby. In October, we found out we were pregnant and were very excited. We made plans to tell everyone about the baby on Thanksgiving. I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. The Friday before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor and saw a "healthy" little bean with a strong heartbeat. I was 6 weeks, 4 days from my calculations but the baby measured 6 weeks, 1 day. On Wednesday night, the day before Thanksgiving, I unexpectedly began bleeding and we lost "Beanie".
In December, I was so angry that I wasn't pregnant so we tried again and found out we were expecting another baby! This one, I called "Nole". Because of the heartache we had the previous time, I decided to wait until 8 weeks for the first visit. We went in on February 4th and I should have been 7 weeks 5 days. Nole measured 7 weeks 3 days and didn't have a heartbeat. We were devastated. After losing Nole, the doctors did some testing on me and told me to take x, y, and z to hopefully have a better pregnancy outcome. We were also told to wait 3 cycles before trying again.
In May, we were ready to try again. By the end of May, we knew we were expecting you but were very cautious. I spent every day terrified of losing you. Around 5 1/2 weeks, I began spotting and feared the worst. That was a Friday so I had to wait until Monday to check on you. As your daddy and I sat in the waiting room, I was hyperventilating, thinking I couldn't possibly go through this again. I was shaking so badly and was so scared that the ultrasound tech had to make me take deep breaths to even be able to see you. I so clearly remember that scene and the wonderful words I heard. She said, "I see a baby... and I see a HEARTBEAT!" She was so happy for us! Then she said something about how you didn't look like 6w1d and I began to get scared again. However, she told us you were bigger!!! You measured 6w5d!
I never expected to get emotional in that room. It was the same room we found out about Nole passing. And because Nole passed further along than you were, I didn't think hearing good news would affect me. But it did, way more than I ever expected. It was quite possibly the happiest moment in my life. Your daddy held my hand and we cried; we cried tears of joy. I believe the tech shed some tears too. You started life ahead of the game and were always a strong little fighter.
March of has been pretty eventful for us. Your big sister turned 3! She had a puppy-themed party at the park, and a lot of our friends came to join in the celebration. At the party, I felt at peace. I felt like you were there, celebrating with us. You were sorely missed but I could sense your presence. I hope I will always feel you near when I'm wishing you were there. We love you today and always.
Love,
Your Mommy
