I've been told the anticipation of your birthday would be worse than the day itself. That was definitely not the case for me. I hoped it would be a normal day where we celebrated the day you entered our lives. We tried to make that the focus. But a birthday... a day that's supposed to be filled with joy, friends, cake, and presents, was instead filled with tears of all that is not. I missed you so very much today.
Around 11 pm last night, the sadness hit. I went to sleep holding your bear close to my heart. I woke up in the arms of your daddy and a few tears were shed before my head ever left the pillow. More tears fell during every transition of the day. It's days like this that make me hate the routine of life. I had to buy groceries. I had to get gas. I had to cook. I had to clean up after dinner. I wish the world would just stop once in a while. My world came to a screeching halt last November 16 when you passed away. I don't think I did anything for days. I honestly don't remember. I will plan ahead in years to come so that your birthday will always be a day of stillness and serenity. Although the day was filled with much sadness and many tears, I was and am very grateful for a day where my mind was completely devoted to you and my love for you. It's not often that I allow myself to grieve, so it was nice to be able to do that today.
As I said previously, we planned for today to be a celebration of your life. The first thing I did was post this on facebook. I posted it shortly after midnight.
"A year ago today, this tiny boy entered my life. I am forever changed from the short time I got to know and love him. Although I only had 10 short days with him, he redefined who I am and gave me a new outlook on life. Today, I'm wishing my son a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven.
If you would like to wish him a Happy Birthday, one way to do that would be to light a candle in his honor and post the picture in the comments on this post.
This has been a very challenging year full of many new twists and turns. I really appreciate all of your love and support."
The number of "likes" and comments of candles touched us so very much. It is wonderful to be reminded that other people love you and remember you. You were born at 3:35 pm, so I lit your cupcake candle and posted my own picture at that time.
Your sister wanted to bake you a cake (rather than buy one in the store) so we made a cake for you. She chose strawberry icing which, ironically, is the same flavor she had on her first birthday cake. I thought that was very sweet for you to have the same, so your cake was pink. At least you got blue accents!
We went to the store and bought you a balloon. The plan was to release it today but the weather wasn't very cooperative. We may release your balloon tomorrow, but in the meantime, your sister is happy to keep it here :)
For dinner, we had one of daddy's favorite dishes. Daddy set a place for you (first time he's done that and it definitely brought some more tears) and your sister brought your balloon out for you. We placed your cupcake candle in front of your spot as well.
After dinner, we lit your birthday candle and sang to you. Thank goodness your sister was singing so enthusiastically because daddy and I could barely get through the song. She blew out the candle for you and we served the first piece to a plate set aside for you.
As we were eating our cake, your sister asked what we were going to do with your piece. I thought about it and told her I bet you'd want to share it with your two sisters, so we split your piece in half. She had one half and your baby sister (courtesy of me) had the other. The baby started kicking around right after her little piece was eaten, so I know she enjoyed it.
After dinner, we looked at your pictures. Such happy times in the beginning of that book, and such a sad ending. I closed the album before we got to your "Now I lay me down to sleep" pictures because I didn't think daddy could handle seeing those pictures tonight.
After that, daddy got your bear (with your ashes in the locket around its neck) and planned to take it with him to a football game. He felt like he would have taken you if you were here, so he wanted to do what he could to include you tonight. He put it in his pocket and left for the game. Your sister told daddy that your bear couldn't see the game from in there so she took the bear out and let it watch the game with her.
She made sure your bear could see very well. All in all, it was a very sad day but it was nice to have a day set aside to honor you.
We all love you very much, William "Case" Caswell! Happy 1st birthday, sweetheart,
