10 days...

On February 3rd, I gave birth to our rainbow baby.  I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it would be an emotional experience.  The L&D nurse knew we lost our son.  No one else in that room did.  

Labor Story:  39 weeks gestation
7:30 am.  Arrived at hospital.  My induction was set to begin at 8 but didn't.
9:50  They broke my water.  I didn't want any medications if it could be avoided because of             my previous c-section.  
11:30  There had been no change.  Contractions weren't all that strong, so I was told to take a            walk.
11:50  Got up to walk and couldn't.  Contractions were too strong.  I couldn't stand during                   them.
Around 1 pm, I got an epidural.  
Around 4 pm, I was fully dilated.  I began pushing.  
4:12 pm Eileen was born.

When I was told I was fully dilated and it was almost time to "have this baby", I broke down.  The tears wouldn't stop coming.  More doctors, nurses, random people, etc. came into the room probably expecting a very excited mom-to-be.  Instead, they saw me.  A woman who SHOULD be happy, but was instead crying buckets.  I can't even explain my emotions at the time.  

I was in shock in some ways.  I felt like I shouldn't be there.  Case should be here.  I shouldn't be pregnant.  I shouldn't be in labor.  Another baby that wasn't him shouldn't be coming into the world right now.  I felt fear because I was giving birth again.  The only other time I had been in that position, it was to have Case.  It was a time filled with fear, wondering if he was going to be okay and not having any power to stop him from being born.  I wanted to keep him inside.  My body was forcing him out.  I also feared so many other things, 90% of them completely unfounded.  I was afraid Eileen would be stillborn.  I was afraid of uterine rupture.  I was afraid of death, of leaving Hadley without a mom just because I wanted another child.  I was petrified.  But pregnancy has to end at some point.  It was a fast paced train heading for a brick wall.  The crash was going to happen.  There was no way for me to stop it.  

But pushing was short.  Thank goodness pushing was short.  3 pushes, and that little girl was born.  Same as her brother.  He was born after 3 pushes as well.  Physically, I could have done more.  Emotionally, I don't think I had it in me.  Then she cried.  And they placed her on my chest.  I had another birth experience, except this time was exactly as most women want it.  No surgery, no NICU, no preemie.  Just a mom and her full term, healthy baby.  In fact, a PERFECTLY healthy baby.  She got a 10/10 on her Apgar score which is incredibly rare.  I see it as God's answer to our prayers.  I prayed for a healthy baby and he said, "See!  I gave you a PERFECT one!"

But that's not really the point of today's post.  Eileen is 10 days old today.  Born February 3rd and today is February 13th.  Case only lived for 10 days.  Nov 6 through Nov 16.  10 days.  That's it.  Just 10 days.  

These 10 days with Eileen have been very different than the 10 days with Case.  So honestly, I haven't compared the time we've had with them.  But sitting here tonight, thinking about the end of day 10 with Case, it's hard not to merge today and November 16.  Day 10 with Case ended with me holding him as he took his very last breath.  Day 10 with Eileen is ending with us swaddling her and putting her to bed in her bassinet.  Although tomorrow isn't promised, we have every reason to believe we will get an 11th day with her.  

It's hard to believe that this is all the time we got with Case.  We loved him so very much but didn't know much about him.  We know that Eileen has blue eyes.  We never knew what color eyes Case had.  We know that Eileen likes white noise.  Case was never upset so we knew nothing of how to calm him.  We know that Eileen loves the attention she gets from big sister.  Case never got to meet his big sister.  But despite all the things we didn't know, we knew we loved him.  We knew he was our little boy.  We knew we wanted him to grow big and strong and come home soon.  We knew we wanted to get to know him.  We knew 10 days wasn't enough.  

I am grateful for this little girl.  I love that she's a combination of her older sister and older brother.  She has her brother's profile.  

But she also resembles her sister.  She is definitely her own person.  She's not a clone of her sister or her brother.  Yet, she reminds me of both of them at the same time.  It brings a mix of joy and sadness, but mostly joy.  

           

Rainbow Baby coming tomorrow?!?!?

This pregnancy has been tough, as I have mentioned before.  Yet through all of the trials, we managed to make it to term.  And not just to "early term", but official term!  I'll be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow and they're going to induce labor in the morning.

The thoughts running through my head are mostly of me being terrified.  It has been a long, hard, and trying journey to add to our family.  Every effort has ended in heartache so it's hard to visualize this one ending in joy.  I'm trying to think positive though.  I really am.

Things are a lot different when you KNOW that your baby is coming the following day.  Every little thing that happened today, I was very aware that it was the last.  It was the last time I could lay with my daughter and take a nap with her.  Starting tomorrow, I'll have a baby to take care of too, so that nap will have to wait.  It was our last time sitting at the table with our family looking the way it does.  The kicks I'm feeling are the last ones I'll ever feel.  It's very strange to know that tomorrow, everything will change.  But at the same time, I'm not sure HOW things will change.  I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow will end in joy.  However, I'm all too aware of the tragic turn things can take and know too many families that have faced those tragedies.

So tonight, I soaked in every moment with our little girl.  I cuddled her until she fell asleep as I whispered to her how much I loved her and sang her lullabies.  After she was asleep, I prayed for a peaceful mind (only God knows the horrible situations I've been imagining) and for the ability to trust in his will and his greater purpose.  I selfishly want my will.  I want tomorrow to go very smoothly... so smoothly that the doctor will say he's never had an easier delivery.  I want to cry happy tears as I feel the breath of our sweet newborn on my cheek.  I want to feel the presence of our son in that room.  I feel like he's had a role in his little sister flourishing as she has and I want to thank him for being such a protective big brother.  Mostly, I just want tomorrow to be over so I can be done with it and on the other side.

I've been told that having a Rainbow Baby makes the grief of losing your baby surface again.  It has been right underneath the surface lately.  It is so strange that I had a baby at 38w5d, followed by a 28w boy, and then a 39w girl who very well may have stayed in longer if we weren't concerned about other factors.  So I spend a lot of time wondering why Case came so early.  I wonder why my girls cause gestational diabetes and want to stay put, while my boy gave me no health issues but my body couldn't hold him.  It's very strange and it's something I'll never have an answer to.  But when his little sister is born tomorrow, there will be so many things unspoken between Seth and I.  Words won't be needed.  We'll love our new little girl while mourning our sweet little boy.  I'll marvel at how big, strong, and healthy this baby is in comparison to the tiny little 2 lb 10 oz baby I gave birth to just over a year ago.  But I'll miss him so much.  I'll be sad that he's not with us while being grateful that she is.  It's going to be hard.  That much, I do know.

Tomorrow, we enter new territory.  I'll be a mother of three babies and will hopefully be bringing this one home to love and cherish just as we have done with her big sister.