If anyone thinks pregnancy after a preemie is easy, they just don't know or understand. Pregnancy after a loss or multiple losses is challenging too, in many other emotionally difficult ways. It's been a long road and we're finally in the home stretch.
This pregnancy has not been easy. It began with a fear of miscarriage, seeing as I had two before losing Case. But then the morning sickness came, and it came on fast and strong. I was feeling pretty crummy before hitting 5 weeks. I don't know how I survived weeks 8-12, especially considering we moved 14 hours away during that time. I spent my days in bed mostly, sleeping to avoid the nausea. Every so often, I'd have a day of normalcy and would try to fit in 10 days worth of activity into one because I was so limited most days. Around week 14, the sickness finally tapered off although I would (and still do) have random days of nausea.
Aside from the sickness, I was always on high alert. I needed to be aware of contractions. I needed to know what my body was doing at all times. I started teaching again at 15 weeks along and I couldn't concentrate in meetings because I was so busy trying to read my body. At 16 weeks, I had already been to the doctor 8 times. Yes, 8.
16 weeks was when they began monitoring my cervix. I had a pre-term labor "scare" at 15 weeks and was seen immediately. The preterm high-risk doctors are very cautious which is exactly what I needed. I was told everything seemed fine and to come back at 16 weeks for my first cervical length check.
For those of you who don't know, a woman's cervix should be between 3 and 4 cm while she's pregnant. If it's 2.5cm or less, the risk of preterm labor is much higher. They began checks at 16 weeks and my cervix was 2.5cm. It was on the line of being okay or being very risky. I was petrified and knew my 15 week scare was real. I did have contractions then. They did shorten my cervix. A plan was put in place. I would begin taking progesterone (vaginal cream) nightly. For the record, I had been on progesterone since before knowing I conceived. I simply switched that night to the new form.
The typical plan is to check cervical length every other week. My doctor wanted me to come every week. We met in the middle and I came in about every 10 days. For weeks, nothing changed. I had another labor scare at 18 weeks. That was the day this baby's name was decided. I knew she could be born that day. I knew she would die if she was born that early. I knew I wanted her to have a name while she was still healthy and alive inside where she belonged. I cried the entire drive to the hospital. I prayed for her to be okay. I promised her I'd do everything I could to keep her safe. I meant it. At the hospital, the monitors picked up my contractions but they were minor. Another cervical check was done. It wasn't changing so our girl was safe. I was so very grateful.
But as I said in the beginning, everything about a pregnancy after a preemie or a loss is just hard. Every moment of happiness is counterbalanced with a feeling of guilt or sadness. This little girl is 1 year and 10 days behind her brother. That means every milestone, pregnancy wise, is 10 days behind his. The anniversary of Case's death happened on the day I turned 28 weeks with this little baby. I cannot explain how hard it was to mourn our 28 week preemie's death on the day I turned 28 weeks with his sister. I spent his birthday feeling guilty for not being able to focus on him due to being distracted by the life in my belly. I spend most of my pregnancy-focused moments feeling sad that so much was/is being done for this little girl to live, yet nothing was done for him. It's because we didn't know. My mind is aware of that. My heart feels like I've let him down.
Then the toughest thing... this baby wouldn't be here if he was. It's plain and simple. I don't see that thought ever fading. It makes me miss him all the more. It makes me feel like this baby has some greater purpose. Case died so she'd be here. How is she going to help/change the world? Then again, maybe she's just going to be normal, but she'll change our world forever.
And so tomorrow. It's a big day. It's the day the cerclage will be removed. The one thing keeping this baby in will be gone, and then we wait. It could be hours. It could be days. It could be weeks. But we know for sure that she'll be here soon. We know our efforts have paid off. The doctors appointments (43 last time I counted) and Labor & Delivery visits (2 so far) have helped us keep our sanity. Having this life inside has helped balance our grief with a sense of hope. It hasn't been easy. Far from it actually. I've moved forward, one day at a time, and had to let go. I've had to let go of my fears, sense of control, desire to have things the way I want them. I've had to let go of me. The other half of that is "Let God". I had no other choice. Our baby's life was never in my hands or in my control. All I could do was be thankful for every day she was still safely inside.
My life has been controlled by pregnancy and this chapter is almost done. I look back at our timeline and it's been a very challenging one. We started trying for our second child in June of 2012. We got pregnant in October, miscarried in November, conceived again in December, miscarried in February, conceived Case in May, had him in November, started trying again in March of 2014, and conceived again in May. I've been pregnant for 18 of the last 28 months. That is insane. I have been tested for disorders. I have been found to have disorders. I have been taking 9-11 pills a day for the last 18 months of my life (I intend to burn my pillbox in a bonfire in the very near future). But today is kind of the end. Today, preventative measures stop. This little girl is "baked" and would do great if born right now. Tomorrow, I become a "normal pregnant woman" again. And you know what? That's beyond comprehension. After everything we've been through, we'll enter normalcy.
So tonight, I took my last magnesium pill, ever. No more preventing contractions. I took my last dose of crinone. No more preventing cervical changes. Tomorrow, the stitch comes out. No more surgical intervention to keep my body from getting ready for birth. I will likely be uncomfortable. But after tomorrow, I can act like a normal person again. I won't need to rest on my back as soon as I get home. I can go on a walk if I want to (imagine that!). If I have contractions, it will mean it's baby time as opposed to the fear that has been prevalent for the past 4 months. It basically means the stress is lifted. I did it. The goal is in sight. I did all I could and this little girl is nearly term! I sure wish I could back in time and do all these things for our little boy, too. The sacred dance of grief and joy.
