Exactly one year and one day after Case's due date, his little sister was born. It took a while for me to fully realize the impact that having her had on me. The pregnancy itself was healing. Making it full term and needing an induction after fighting so long to keep her in was surreal. Getting to hold a living, breathing, pink, full term, healthy little baby after holding my tiny, fragile son was impossibly hard but also very healing.
When we had our oldest, I knew I wanted more kids. We had agreed that 3 to 4 children sounded wonderful. Then we experienced loss after loss and then had Case. Right after he was born, I informed my husband that this was it. I was done. I couldn't go through preterm labor and hospital bed rest, the daily fear of it being the last day with that baby, again. My husband joked and said he'd convince me to have more. Then Case died and the tables turned. I told my husband I wanted more. My husband told me he would NEVER ask me to put myself through that again. But I knew he wanted more children, and after a few months, we were both ready to try again. I was scared. Terrified is more accurate. But, I refused to allow fear to control my life. I wanted more children. I wouldn't allow fear to keep me from my dreams. And so we tried again and were blessed beyond measure with our sweet little girl.
After her birth, I was once again done. Pregnancy was smooth as far as complications but it was rough on my body and my mental state. I had to be constantly vigilant about contractions because I wasn't going to have another preemie if I could help it! It wore me out, and I was so emotionally drained once she was born. But babies have a way of filling my spirit up and our second little girl healed me in a way that nothing else could have done.
When she was 6 months old, I started questioning if we were really done. How does one know? We wanted three to four kids and had three. Two on earth, one in heaven. But I didn't know if that felt right. We had three kids, but I felt an empty space. That empty space was confusing though. Was it empty because Case should be there? If that was the reason, I'd always feel that empty space so a new child wouldn't help. But was that the reason? I had no idea and no clue how to sort it out other than prayer and reflection.
I decided I was done and the empty space was because Case was missing. It would never be filled. A piece of my heart was always going to be with him and that was what I was experiencing. But the idea of having another baby kept creeping back in, and I knew my husband wanted to have another child. Since it mostly impacts my body, he wasn't going to pressure me in the least. I had told him I wasn't interested and he never brought it up again. After 2 months of thinking and praying more, I realized I was ready to add to our family but didn't know whether that was biologically or through adoption. I had always wanted to adopt and I knew my husband was open to adoption but more interested in biological children. I didn't know which path was right for us. So I prayed some more and finally told him I was interested in trying again, but only for a few months. If nothing happened in that window, I wanted to move forward with adoption. I think that was my way of allowing God to choose for me. Either I'd get pregnant or I wouldn't, and whether that happened or not was up to God.
The fear that came after that conversation... oh man. I was opening myself back up to a world of pain and heartache. We had our happy ending. What was I thinking??? Could I handle another miscarriage? Could I survive losing another child? I found myself hoping I was pregnant each month and then being so relieved that I wasn't. I started focusing on adoption, found some siblings that I wanted to add to our family, and prayed and prayed. We didn't have a home study, so I knew those children would be gone before we were able to get our paperwork in. However, I knew other children would need homes and so once again, I was torn.
That week, I happened to be at a meeting where people were sharing their stories and I felt pulled to share mine. I stood up and shared my past and my uncertainty about the future. I asked that room full of women to pray for an answer, to lead me down the path of pregnancy or adoption. I think their prayers worked. I found out I was expecting exactly one week later! That same day, I checked on the children's profile that I had fallen in love with and saw that they had been adopted. I was filled with such gratitude that they had a new home.
Much like our last baby, I had a sense of peace that this little one was going to make it. Also much like that pregnancy, my sense of peace was at war with my mind. I was always scared that something was going to go wrong even though this voice in my head kept telling me to relax, breathe, it's going to be alright. I'm happy to say that we've made it 19 weeks so far! My cerclage was placed at 13 weeks, this baby is genetically perfect, and despite our gut instinct telling us I was carrying a boy, God planted a third little girl in our family. I think Case likes being our only boy, and in so many ways, I like that too.
This little girl is expected to make her debut right before Christmas, and thanks to my most recent pregnancy and birth, I am able to focus on the joy of this baby and keep the fear at bay. Without the healing God provided through the birth of our youngest child, I never would have had the courage to go down this path again. So in many ways, this little girl has her closest sister to thank for her life.
