This pregnancy has been tough, as I have mentioned before. Yet through all of the trials, we managed to make it to term. And not just to "early term", but official term! I'll be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow and they're going to induce labor in the morning.
The thoughts running through my head are mostly of me being terrified. It has been a long, hard, and trying journey to add to our family. Every effort has ended in heartache so it's hard to visualize this one ending in joy. I'm trying to think positive though. I really am.
Things are a lot different when you KNOW that your baby is coming the following day. Every little thing that happened today, I was very aware that it was the last. It was the last time I could lay with my daughter and take a nap with her. Starting tomorrow, I'll have a baby to take care of too, so that nap will have to wait. It was our last time sitting at the table with our family looking the way it does. The kicks I'm feeling are the last ones I'll ever feel. It's very strange to know that tomorrow, everything will change. But at the same time, I'm not sure HOW things will change. I'm hoping and praying that tomorrow will end in joy. However, I'm all too aware of the tragic turn things can take and know too many families that have faced those tragedies.
So tonight, I soaked in every moment with our little girl. I cuddled her until she fell asleep as I whispered to her how much I loved her and sang her lullabies. After she was asleep, I prayed for a peaceful mind (only God knows the horrible situations I've been imagining) and for the ability to trust in his will and his greater purpose. I selfishly want my will. I want tomorrow to go very smoothly... so smoothly that the doctor will say he's never had an easier delivery. I want to cry happy tears as I feel the breath of our sweet newborn on my cheek. I want to feel the presence of our son in that room. I feel like he's had a role in his little sister flourishing as she has and I want to thank him for being such a protective big brother. Mostly, I just want tomorrow to be over so I can be done with it and on the other side.
I've been told that having a Rainbow Baby makes the grief of losing your baby surface again. It has been right underneath the surface lately. It is so strange that I had a baby at 38w5d, followed by a 28w boy, and then a 39w girl who very well may have stayed in longer if we weren't concerned about other factors. So I spend a lot of time wondering why Case came so early. I wonder why my girls cause gestational diabetes and want to stay put, while my boy gave me no health issues but my body couldn't hold him. It's very strange and it's something I'll never have an answer to. But when his little sister is born tomorrow, there will be so many things unspoken between Seth and I. Words won't be needed. We'll love our new little girl while mourning our sweet little boy. I'll marvel at how big, strong, and healthy this baby is in comparison to the tiny little 2 lb 10 oz baby I gave birth to just over a year ago. But I'll miss him so much. I'll be sad that he's not with us while being grateful that she is. It's going to be hard. That much, I do know.
Tomorrow, we enter new territory. I'll be a mother of three babies and will hopefully be bringing this one home to love and cherish just as we have done with her big sister.
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