Eleven Month Birthday

Where has the time gone?  How is it possible that you would be nearly a year old right now?  I simply cannot imagine how different life would be if you were here.  I'm a party planner.  Your first birthday theme was already in the works well before your birth.  You'd be having a Hungry Caterpillar Birthday.  I already had the design for your shirt.  Your sister was going to wear a coordinating dress.  I was going to make cupcakes with green icing to look like the caterpillar from the book.  I'd be somewhat panicked at this point, making sure everything would be ready for your birthday which is a month away from today.  

But none of that is happening.  Instead, I'm planning how to honor you a month from today.  I bought a cupcake candle which I will light at the time of your birth.  3:34 pm.  We are purchasing a memory tree to be planted in your honor.  It will be nice to be able to visit a place that is meant just for you.  We had planned to possibly spread your ashes on your birthday, but perhaps we will keep waiting.  I can't imagine letting go of the only part of you still on this earth.  It has to be done at some point.  I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet.  I would rather be planning a party instead.

It is starting to become Fall now.  I was showing quite a bit at this point last year.  We went to pumpkin festivals, fall festivals, and did lots of fun Halloween activities.  October was the last full month of your life, while you were still tucked safely inside.  I vividly remember October.  It was such a joyous time.  We were filled with such excitement about you being able to enjoy all of the fall festivities with us the following year.  We went trick-or-treating on October 31st.  Your sister had a blast!  I don't remember November 1st.  November 2nd, I started having contractions.  That night, we went to the hospital and found out how close to birth you were.  It all happened so fast.  Everything changed so fast.  

This fall is nothing like last fall.  The leaves falling off the trees make me sad.  Every day is feeling a little melancholy.  Your little sister, who is 22 weeks gestation tomorrow, is bringing a little sweetness to our lives.  All the memories of you is bringing some sadness too.  Life is such a strange paradox.  A year ago, I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that would soon strike.  I lived in a naive little pregnancy bubble.  I no longer live there.  I no longer understand "coasting through pregnancy" nor will I ever be ignorantly blissful again.  

I am mostly the same person I have always been.  Losing you made me more aware of how many losses there are.  It has also made me more thankful for every minute I have with your big and little sister, as well as allowing me to be more compassionate towards others.  If any good has come from losing you, it's the impact you had on me.  

I keep thinking ahead to what Nov. 6 - Nov. 16 will be like this year.  Last year, Nov. 6 was such a joyous but fear-filled day.  You were born 12 weeks early, but you came out screaming.  You were breathing without help pretty soon after birth.  We got to see your sweet face and touch your soft hair and tiny hands.  The next 10 days were mostly ups; we were so deeply in love with you.  I wonder how that will be next month.  November 6 - 16.  It will pass in the blink of an eye, just like it did last year.  But this year will be sad.  Happy memories, but sad that they stopped so soon.  

I hope you're having a nice time up in heaven.  I don't know if they celebrate birthdays up there.  Maybe they celebrate "entry days".  Regardless, we'll be thinking of you down here, little guy.

Love you.