If anyone thinks pregnancy after a preemie is easy, they just don't know or understand. Pregnancy after a loss or multiple losses is challenging too, in many other emotionally difficult ways. It's been a long road and we're finally in the home stretch.
This pregnancy has not been easy. It began with a fear of miscarriage, seeing as I had two before losing Case. But then the morning sickness came, and it came on fast and strong. I was feeling pretty crummy before hitting 5 weeks. I don't know how I survived weeks 8-12, especially considering we moved 14 hours away during that time. I spent my days in bed mostly, sleeping to avoid the nausea. Every so often, I'd have a day of normalcy and would try to fit in 10 days worth of activity into one because I was so limited most days. Around week 14, the sickness finally tapered off although I would (and still do) have random days of nausea.
Aside from the sickness, I was always on high alert. I needed to be aware of contractions. I needed to know what my body was doing at all times. I started teaching again at 15 weeks along and I couldn't concentrate in meetings because I was so busy trying to read my body. At 16 weeks, I had already been to the doctor 8 times. Yes, 8.
16 weeks was when they began monitoring my cervix. I had a pre-term labor "scare" at 15 weeks and was seen immediately. The preterm high-risk doctors are very cautious which is exactly what I needed. I was told everything seemed fine and to come back at 16 weeks for my first cervical length check.
For those of you who don't know, a woman's cervix should be between 3 and 4 cm while she's pregnant. If it's 2.5cm or less, the risk of preterm labor is much higher. They began checks at 16 weeks and my cervix was 2.5cm. It was on the line of being okay or being very risky. I was petrified and knew my 15 week scare was real. I did have contractions then. They did shorten my cervix. A plan was put in place. I would begin taking progesterone (vaginal cream) nightly. For the record, I had been on progesterone since before knowing I conceived. I simply switched that night to the new form.
The typical plan is to check cervical length every other week. My doctor wanted me to come every week. We met in the middle and I came in about every 10 days. For weeks, nothing changed. I had another labor scare at 18 weeks. That was the day this baby's name was decided. I knew she could be born that day. I knew she would die if she was born that early. I knew I wanted her to have a name while she was still healthy and alive inside where she belonged. I cried the entire drive to the hospital. I prayed for her to be okay. I promised her I'd do everything I could to keep her safe. I meant it. At the hospital, the monitors picked up my contractions but they were minor. Another cervical check was done. It wasn't changing so our girl was safe. I was so very grateful.
But as I said in the beginning, everything about a pregnancy after a preemie or a loss is just hard. Every moment of happiness is counterbalanced with a feeling of guilt or sadness. This little girl is 1 year and 10 days behind her brother. That means every milestone, pregnancy wise, is 10 days behind his. The anniversary of Case's death happened on the day I turned 28 weeks with this little baby. I cannot explain how hard it was to mourn our 28 week preemie's death on the day I turned 28 weeks with his sister. I spent his birthday feeling guilty for not being able to focus on him due to being distracted by the life in my belly. I spend most of my pregnancy-focused moments feeling sad that so much was/is being done for this little girl to live, yet nothing was done for him. It's because we didn't know. My mind is aware of that. My heart feels like I've let him down.
Then the toughest thing... this baby wouldn't be here if he was. It's plain and simple. I don't see that thought ever fading. It makes me miss him all the more. It makes me feel like this baby has some greater purpose. Case died so she'd be here. How is she going to help/change the world? Then again, maybe she's just going to be normal, but she'll change our world forever.
And so tomorrow. It's a big day. It's the day the cerclage will be removed. The one thing keeping this baby in will be gone, and then we wait. It could be hours. It could be days. It could be weeks. But we know for sure that she'll be here soon. We know our efforts have paid off. The doctors appointments (43 last time I counted) and Labor & Delivery visits (2 so far) have helped us keep our sanity. Having this life inside has helped balance our grief with a sense of hope. It hasn't been easy. Far from it actually. I've moved forward, one day at a time, and had to let go. I've had to let go of my fears, sense of control, desire to have things the way I want them. I've had to let go of me. The other half of that is "Let God". I had no other choice. Our baby's life was never in my hands or in my control. All I could do was be thankful for every day she was still safely inside.
My life has been controlled by pregnancy and this chapter is almost done. I look back at our timeline and it's been a very challenging one. We started trying for our second child in June of 2012. We got pregnant in October, miscarried in November, conceived again in December, miscarried in February, conceived Case in May, had him in November, started trying again in March of 2014, and conceived again in May. I've been pregnant for 18 of the last 28 months. That is insane. I have been tested for disorders. I have been found to have disorders. I have been taking 9-11 pills a day for the last 18 months of my life (I intend to burn my pillbox in a bonfire in the very near future). But today is kind of the end. Today, preventative measures stop. This little girl is "baked" and would do great if born right now. Tomorrow, I become a "normal pregnant woman" again. And you know what? That's beyond comprehension. After everything we've been through, we'll enter normalcy.
So tonight, I took my last magnesium pill, ever. No more preventing contractions. I took my last dose of crinone. No more preventing cervical changes. Tomorrow, the stitch comes out. No more surgical intervention to keep my body from getting ready for birth. I will likely be uncomfortable. But after tomorrow, I can act like a normal person again. I won't need to rest on my back as soon as I get home. I can go on a walk if I want to (imagine that!). If I have contractions, it will mean it's baby time as opposed to the fear that has been prevalent for the past 4 months. It basically means the stress is lifted. I did it. The goal is in sight. I did all I could and this little girl is nearly term! I sure wish I could back in time and do all these things for our little boy, too. The sacred dance of grief and joy.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Thursday, November 6, 2014
1st birthday
The only clues I was given about how this day would feel were from others who have gone through it. I thought today was going to be difficult, but I was not prepared for how hard it truly was. I cannot believe that is has been an entire year since you were born. How has it been 12 months since you came so quickly into this world? How have 355 days passed since I last saw you or held you?
I've been told the anticipation of your birthday would be worse than the day itself. That was definitely not the case for me. I hoped it would be a normal day where we celebrated the day you entered our lives. We tried to make that the focus. But a birthday... a day that's supposed to be filled with joy, friends, cake, and presents, was instead filled with tears of all that is not. I missed you so very much today.
Around 11 pm last night, the sadness hit. I went to sleep holding your bear close to my heart. I woke up in the arms of your daddy and a few tears were shed before my head ever left the pillow. More tears fell during every transition of the day. It's days like this that make me hate the routine of life. I had to buy groceries. I had to get gas. I had to cook. I had to clean up after dinner. I wish the world would just stop once in a while. My world came to a screeching halt last November 16 when you passed away. I don't think I did anything for days. I honestly don't remember. I will plan ahead in years to come so that your birthday will always be a day of stillness and serenity. Although the day was filled with much sadness and many tears, I was and am very grateful for a day where my mind was completely devoted to you and my love for you. It's not often that I allow myself to grieve, so it was nice to be able to do that today.
As I said previously, we planned for today to be a celebration of your life. The first thing I did was post this on facebook. I posted it shortly after midnight.
"A year ago today, this tiny boy entered my life. I am forever changed from the short time I got to know and love him. Although I only had 10 short days with him, he redefined who I am and gave me a new outlook on life. Today, I'm wishing my son a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven.
I've been told the anticipation of your birthday would be worse than the day itself. That was definitely not the case for me. I hoped it would be a normal day where we celebrated the day you entered our lives. We tried to make that the focus. But a birthday... a day that's supposed to be filled with joy, friends, cake, and presents, was instead filled with tears of all that is not. I missed you so very much today.
Around 11 pm last night, the sadness hit. I went to sleep holding your bear close to my heart. I woke up in the arms of your daddy and a few tears were shed before my head ever left the pillow. More tears fell during every transition of the day. It's days like this that make me hate the routine of life. I had to buy groceries. I had to get gas. I had to cook. I had to clean up after dinner. I wish the world would just stop once in a while. My world came to a screeching halt last November 16 when you passed away. I don't think I did anything for days. I honestly don't remember. I will plan ahead in years to come so that your birthday will always be a day of stillness and serenity. Although the day was filled with much sadness and many tears, I was and am very grateful for a day where my mind was completely devoted to you and my love for you. It's not often that I allow myself to grieve, so it was nice to be able to do that today.
As I said previously, we planned for today to be a celebration of your life. The first thing I did was post this on facebook. I posted it shortly after midnight.
"A year ago today, this tiny boy entered my life. I am forever changed from the short time I got to know and love him. Although I only had 10 short days with him, he redefined who I am and gave me a new outlook on life. Today, I'm wishing my son a Happy 1st Birthday in heaven.
If you would like to wish him a Happy Birthday, one way to do that would be to light a candle in his honor and post the picture in the comments on this post.
This has been a very challenging year full of many new twists and turns. I really appreciate all of your love and support."
The number of "likes" and comments of candles touched us so very much. It is wonderful to be reminded that other people love you and remember you. You were born at 3:35 pm, so I lit your cupcake candle and posted my own picture at that time.
Your sister wanted to bake you a cake (rather than buy one in the store) so we made a cake for you. She chose strawberry icing which, ironically, is the same flavor she had on her first birthday cake. I thought that was very sweet for you to have the same, so your cake was pink. At least you got blue accents!
We went to the store and bought you a balloon. The plan was to release it today but the weather wasn't very cooperative. We may release your balloon tomorrow, but in the meantime, your sister is happy to keep it here :)
For dinner, we had one of daddy's favorite dishes. Daddy set a place for you (first time he's done that and it definitely brought some more tears) and your sister brought your balloon out for you. We placed your cupcake candle in front of your spot as well.
After dinner, we lit your birthday candle and sang to you. Thank goodness your sister was singing so enthusiastically because daddy and I could barely get through the song. She blew out the candle for you and we served the first piece to a plate set aside for you.
As we were eating our cake, your sister asked what we were going to do with your piece. I thought about it and told her I bet you'd want to share it with your two sisters, so we split your piece in half. She had one half and your baby sister (courtesy of me) had the other. The baby started kicking around right after her little piece was eaten, so I know she enjoyed it.
After dinner, we looked at your pictures. Such happy times in the beginning of that book, and such a sad ending. I closed the album before we got to your "Now I lay me down to sleep" pictures because I didn't think daddy could handle seeing those pictures tonight.
After that, daddy got your bear (with your ashes in the locket around its neck) and planned to take it with him to a football game. He felt like he would have taken you if you were here, so he wanted to do what he could to include you tonight. He put it in his pocket and left for the game. Your sister told daddy that your bear couldn't see the game from in there so she took the bear out and let it watch the game with her.
She made sure your bear could see very well. All in all, it was a very sad day but it was nice to have a day set aside to honor you.
We all love you very much, William "Case" Caswell! Happy 1st birthday, sweetheart,
Monday, October 6, 2014
Eleven Month Birthday
Where has the time gone? How is it possible that you would be nearly a year old right now? I simply cannot imagine how different life would be if you were here. I'm a party planner. Your first birthday theme was already in the works well before your birth. You'd be having a Hungry Caterpillar Birthday. I already had the design for your shirt. Your sister was going to wear a coordinating dress. I was going to make cupcakes with green icing to look like the caterpillar from the book. I'd be somewhat panicked at this point, making sure everything would be ready for your birthday which is a month away from today.
But none of that is happening. Instead, I'm planning how to honor you a month from today. I bought a cupcake candle which I will light at the time of your birth. 3:34 pm. We are purchasing a memory tree to be planted in your honor. It will be nice to be able to visit a place that is meant just for you. We had planned to possibly spread your ashes on your birthday, but perhaps we will keep waiting. I can't imagine letting go of the only part of you still on this earth. It has to be done at some point. I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet. I would rather be planning a party instead.
It is starting to become Fall now. I was showing quite a bit at this point last year. We went to pumpkin festivals, fall festivals, and did lots of fun Halloween activities. October was the last full month of your life, while you were still tucked safely inside. I vividly remember October. It was such a joyous time. We were filled with such excitement about you being able to enjoy all of the fall festivities with us the following year. We went trick-or-treating on October 31st. Your sister had a blast! I don't remember November 1st. November 2nd, I started having contractions. That night, we went to the hospital and found out how close to birth you were. It all happened so fast. Everything changed so fast.
This fall is nothing like last fall. The leaves falling off the trees make me sad. Every day is feeling a little melancholy. Your little sister, who is 22 weeks gestation tomorrow, is bringing a little sweetness to our lives. All the memories of you is bringing some sadness too. Life is such a strange paradox. A year ago, I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that would soon strike. I lived in a naive little pregnancy bubble. I no longer live there. I no longer understand "coasting through pregnancy" nor will I ever be ignorantly blissful again.
I am mostly the same person I have always been. Losing you made me more aware of how many losses there are. It has also made me more thankful for every minute I have with your big and little sister, as well as allowing me to be more compassionate towards others. If any good has come from losing you, it's the impact you had on me.
I keep thinking ahead to what Nov. 6 - Nov. 16 will be like this year. Last year, Nov. 6 was such a joyous but fear-filled day. You were born 12 weeks early, but you came out screaming. You were breathing without help pretty soon after birth. We got to see your sweet face and touch your soft hair and tiny hands. The next 10 days were mostly ups; we were so deeply in love with you. I wonder how that will be next month. November 6 - 16. It will pass in the blink of an eye, just like it did last year. But this year will be sad. Happy memories, but sad that they stopped so soon.
I hope you're having a nice time up in heaven. I don't know if they celebrate birthdays up there. Maybe they celebrate "entry days". Regardless, we'll be thinking of you down here, little guy.
Love you.
But none of that is happening. Instead, I'm planning how to honor you a month from today. I bought a cupcake candle which I will light at the time of your birth. 3:34 pm. We are purchasing a memory tree to be planted in your honor. It will be nice to be able to visit a place that is meant just for you. We had planned to possibly spread your ashes on your birthday, but perhaps we will keep waiting. I can't imagine letting go of the only part of you still on this earth. It has to be done at some point. I'm just not sure if I'm ready yet. I would rather be planning a party instead.
It is starting to become Fall now. I was showing quite a bit at this point last year. We went to pumpkin festivals, fall festivals, and did lots of fun Halloween activities. October was the last full month of your life, while you were still tucked safely inside. I vividly remember October. It was such a joyous time. We were filled with such excitement about you being able to enjoy all of the fall festivities with us the following year. We went trick-or-treating on October 31st. Your sister had a blast! I don't remember November 1st. November 2nd, I started having contractions. That night, we went to the hospital and found out how close to birth you were. It all happened so fast. Everything changed so fast.
This fall is nothing like last fall. The leaves falling off the trees make me sad. Every day is feeling a little melancholy. Your little sister, who is 22 weeks gestation tomorrow, is bringing a little sweetness to our lives. All the memories of you is bringing some sadness too. Life is such a strange paradox. A year ago, I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that would soon strike. I lived in a naive little pregnancy bubble. I no longer live there. I no longer understand "coasting through pregnancy" nor will I ever be ignorantly blissful again.
I am mostly the same person I have always been. Losing you made me more aware of how many losses there are. It has also made me more thankful for every minute I have with your big and little sister, as well as allowing me to be more compassionate towards others. If any good has come from losing you, it's the impact you had on me.
I keep thinking ahead to what Nov. 6 - Nov. 16 will be like this year. Last year, Nov. 6 was such a joyous but fear-filled day. You were born 12 weeks early, but you came out screaming. You were breathing without help pretty soon after birth. We got to see your sweet face and touch your soft hair and tiny hands. The next 10 days were mostly ups; we were so deeply in love with you. I wonder how that will be next month. November 6 - 16. It will pass in the blink of an eye, just like it did last year. But this year will be sad. Happy memories, but sad that they stopped so soon.
I hope you're having a nice time up in heaven. I don't know if they celebrate birthdays up there. Maybe they celebrate "entry days". Regardless, we'll be thinking of you down here, little guy.
Love you.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Ten Month Birthday
Hey, little guy! I've been thinking about you a lot. It's amazing how peace slowly enters with time. Don't get me wrong... there are still MANY days that I'm an emotional wreck inside, but I'm gradually feeling "okay" with the way things are. If given a choice, I would definitely change this path, but I know you're in a better place and that I'll be there with you some day.
Over the past few months, I have been sharing life changes, one piece of news at a time. Daddy got a new job. We moved to a new state. We bought our first home. Mommy started working part time again. This month, your sister started preschool again and... you're going to be a big brother! You already knew that, but the readers of this blog didn't. :)
When I found out I was expecting, I was told that this baby had the best guardian angel ever: you. As we passed each "milestone", I really did feel like you were protecting this new life.
Things have been rather bittersweet this time around. First, this baby never would have been conceived if you had lived. We always wanted many children but after preterm labor, I decided that was it. I wasn't going to put my body through that again. And then you passed away and everything changed. I hoped we'd conceive in March or April, but that didn't happen. May rolled around. That's the month you were conceived. I was scared of having a pregnancy that so closely mirrored yours, but I didn't want to throw away a month of trying either. So lo and behold, you and this baby are only a year and 10 days apart, according to gestational age.
The first ultrasound, you measured 4 days ahead. I was supposed to be 6w1d, and you measured 6w5d. This baby decided to copy you. 6w1d, also measured 4 days ahead. I had an anterior placenta with you. I do this time around as well. At this stage (17w4d), you were kicking up a storm and I could really feel you. This baby isn't quite as strong as you :) I looked back at some past pictures and realized we found out you were a boy on Thursday, August 28. Our anatomy scan was scheduled for 10 days after yours so I assumed we'd find out then. But on August 29, we went in for a cervix check and found out you're having a little sister! It's still so strange to me that we found out one year and one day after we found out you were a boy.
My feelings about having a girl are very mixed. Either way, this is going to be hard. I was terrified of this one being a boy and actually hoped for a girl. I knew I'd be tempted to live out my hopes and dreams for you through a new little boy. You cannot be replaced and I feel I would try to do that if we had another son. Perhaps it was God's way of making sure you stay just the same in my heart. The drawbacks of this being a girl are that we'll never have a son. Regardless of the outcome, my body cannot handle another pregnancy. So this is it for us. Our son is in heaven and hopefully we'll have two daughters on earth.
There's always the awkward question of "How many kids do you have?". I've found the perfect answer for when I'm not in the mood to go into detail. I can honestly say I have one daughter. And now with this one coming along, I can say I have two daughters. The question that might cause me to punch people will be, "Are you going to try for a boy?" What to say... I won't hesitate to say I have a boy. He's in heaven. I just know people will regret asking. Why do people feel it's okay to ask these things? Even if we hadn't lost you, our family is our business.
Back on track. You would be 10 months old now, which means your birthday is in 2 months. That is shockingly soon. Your adjusted age would be a little over 7 months. That's when your sister began crawling. That's when we were trying new foods with her. That's when we learned she LOVED bluegrass music. I wonder what you'd be doing now. I bet you'd love avocado. You'd probably like bluegrass too but you wouldn't get to hear it because your sister sings Frozen songs all day long. You'd probably prefer her singing :) I know she'd love playing with you. She's very excited about another baby; she's just as excited as she was about you. We think about you all the time and still talk about you quite a bit. Thanks for watching over us, little guy. We all love you very much,
Love, mommy
Over the past few months, I have been sharing life changes, one piece of news at a time. Daddy got a new job. We moved to a new state. We bought our first home. Mommy started working part time again. This month, your sister started preschool again and... you're going to be a big brother! You already knew that, but the readers of this blog didn't. :)
When I found out I was expecting, I was told that this baby had the best guardian angel ever: you. As we passed each "milestone", I really did feel like you were protecting this new life.
Things have been rather bittersweet this time around. First, this baby never would have been conceived if you had lived. We always wanted many children but after preterm labor, I decided that was it. I wasn't going to put my body through that again. And then you passed away and everything changed. I hoped we'd conceive in March or April, but that didn't happen. May rolled around. That's the month you were conceived. I was scared of having a pregnancy that so closely mirrored yours, but I didn't want to throw away a month of trying either. So lo and behold, you and this baby are only a year and 10 days apart, according to gestational age.
The first ultrasound, you measured 4 days ahead. I was supposed to be 6w1d, and you measured 6w5d. This baby decided to copy you. 6w1d, also measured 4 days ahead. I had an anterior placenta with you. I do this time around as well. At this stage (17w4d), you were kicking up a storm and I could really feel you. This baby isn't quite as strong as you :) I looked back at some past pictures and realized we found out you were a boy on Thursday, August 28. Our anatomy scan was scheduled for 10 days after yours so I assumed we'd find out then. But on August 29, we went in for a cervix check and found out you're having a little sister! It's still so strange to me that we found out one year and one day after we found out you were a boy.
My feelings about having a girl are very mixed. Either way, this is going to be hard. I was terrified of this one being a boy and actually hoped for a girl. I knew I'd be tempted to live out my hopes and dreams for you through a new little boy. You cannot be replaced and I feel I would try to do that if we had another son. Perhaps it was God's way of making sure you stay just the same in my heart. The drawbacks of this being a girl are that we'll never have a son. Regardless of the outcome, my body cannot handle another pregnancy. So this is it for us. Our son is in heaven and hopefully we'll have two daughters on earth.
There's always the awkward question of "How many kids do you have?". I've found the perfect answer for when I'm not in the mood to go into detail. I can honestly say I have one daughter. And now with this one coming along, I can say I have two daughters. The question that might cause me to punch people will be, "Are you going to try for a boy?" What to say... I won't hesitate to say I have a boy. He's in heaven. I just know people will regret asking. Why do people feel it's okay to ask these things? Even if we hadn't lost you, our family is our business.
Back on track. You would be 10 months old now, which means your birthday is in 2 months. That is shockingly soon. Your adjusted age would be a little over 7 months. That's when your sister began crawling. That's when we were trying new foods with her. That's when we learned she LOVED bluegrass music. I wonder what you'd be doing now. I bet you'd love avocado. You'd probably like bluegrass too but you wouldn't get to hear it because your sister sings Frozen songs all day long. You'd probably prefer her singing :) I know she'd love playing with you. She's very excited about another baby; she's just as excited as she was about you. We think about you all the time and still talk about you quite a bit. Thanks for watching over us, little guy. We all love you very much,
Love, mommy
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Nine Month Birthday
I've heard that grief comes in waves. I think grief has changed for me though. I vividly remember crying for the entire month after you passed away. The tears gradually lessened as the hole you left became more obvious. And now, grief is much more about missing you.
You would have been around 6 1/2 months old if you were born "on time". Other people's babies didn't cause me to miss you in the past, but that is no longer true. It seems everywhere I go, there is a 6 month old baby. I see them trying to stand, giving gummy smiles, holding on to their mother's shoulder or hair as they're being held. That should be you. That should be us. You would be up on all fours now, probably getting ready to crawl. You'd be eating your first solid foods, too. My guess is this "should be" never changes. In 10 years, I'll be thinking of how you should be starting 5th grade and missing you just the same as I do now.
At the same time, I am very grateful for you. I only had 10 days with you, but that's 10 more than some people get. With having just moved, it is very strange that everywhere I go, no one knows about you. I usually have to stop myself from bringing you up. I would love to talk about you all the time, wear your picture on my forehead, let the world know you were here and you were loved. But for some reason, people are very uncomfortable when talking of babies that have passed away. It's a very confusing thing because babies are alone in that category. If you lose a grandparent, no one bats an eye when you mention them. It's socially acceptable to speak of lost friends, lost relatives, and any other person who has passed. But babies, people get uncomfortable. I'm not sure why it's that way and I sure wish it wasn't. I would mention you to everyone I met if it was socially acceptable. I find it so odd that I'm meeting all these new people and they have no idea that I lost someone so precious. They see me with a daughter and have no idea I also have a son.
I've been thinking about my last few days with you on the inside. I remember how the nurses would come in to monitor your heartrate and they'd always comment about how you were so easy to track. I remember when they told me they'd finally take me off this AWFUL medicine if I didn't have a contraction in an hour. I didn't move a muscle for fear it would cause a contraction, and then they took me off the medicine. I spent another day on labor and delivery, waiting for a room to open up in the "long-term bed-rest" area. It was actually a fun day! Your sister came to visit. Daddy came too. We read books and watched a movie together. Your sister ate some of my lunch. Daddy went home to put your sister down for her nap and that was the last time we were all together as a family. Funny thing is, I didn't realize that until just now as I was typing this. I will always treasure that time. Your sister laying next to me in bed, me reading her a book, Daddy sitting in the chair by the window trying to get me to eat more of my food, and your heartbeat sounding loud on the monitor. Your sister always loved hearing your heartbeat.
Just like months before, she still talks about you. I worry how people will react when she tells them about you. She sees your life and death as fact, not emotion, but she misses you. I hope that people will give her a hug and tell her they're sorry you're gone. I'm also hoping you'll give her a hug too, since I'm sure you'll be watching over her.
I know it sounds morbid, but I recently heard one bereaved mother say that every day on this earth is one day closer to being with her son again. I don't wish my earthly days to end any time soon, but I'm glad that when they are over, I'll be with you once again. I miss you, Case.
Love Mommy
You would have been around 6 1/2 months old if you were born "on time". Other people's babies didn't cause me to miss you in the past, but that is no longer true. It seems everywhere I go, there is a 6 month old baby. I see them trying to stand, giving gummy smiles, holding on to their mother's shoulder or hair as they're being held. That should be you. That should be us. You would be up on all fours now, probably getting ready to crawl. You'd be eating your first solid foods, too. My guess is this "should be" never changes. In 10 years, I'll be thinking of how you should be starting 5th grade and missing you just the same as I do now.
At the same time, I am very grateful for you. I only had 10 days with you, but that's 10 more than some people get. With having just moved, it is very strange that everywhere I go, no one knows about you. I usually have to stop myself from bringing you up. I would love to talk about you all the time, wear your picture on my forehead, let the world know you were here and you were loved. But for some reason, people are very uncomfortable when talking of babies that have passed away. It's a very confusing thing because babies are alone in that category. If you lose a grandparent, no one bats an eye when you mention them. It's socially acceptable to speak of lost friends, lost relatives, and any other person who has passed. But babies, people get uncomfortable. I'm not sure why it's that way and I sure wish it wasn't. I would mention you to everyone I met if it was socially acceptable. I find it so odd that I'm meeting all these new people and they have no idea that I lost someone so precious. They see me with a daughter and have no idea I also have a son.
I've been thinking about my last few days with you on the inside. I remember how the nurses would come in to monitor your heartrate and they'd always comment about how you were so easy to track. I remember when they told me they'd finally take me off this AWFUL medicine if I didn't have a contraction in an hour. I didn't move a muscle for fear it would cause a contraction, and then they took me off the medicine. I spent another day on labor and delivery, waiting for a room to open up in the "long-term bed-rest" area. It was actually a fun day! Your sister came to visit. Daddy came too. We read books and watched a movie together. Your sister ate some of my lunch. Daddy went home to put your sister down for her nap and that was the last time we were all together as a family. Funny thing is, I didn't realize that until just now as I was typing this. I will always treasure that time. Your sister laying next to me in bed, me reading her a book, Daddy sitting in the chair by the window trying to get me to eat more of my food, and your heartbeat sounding loud on the monitor. Your sister always loved hearing your heartbeat.
Just like months before, she still talks about you. I worry how people will react when she tells them about you. She sees your life and death as fact, not emotion, but she misses you. I hope that people will give her a hug and tell her they're sorry you're gone. I'm also hoping you'll give her a hug too, since I'm sure you'll be watching over her.
I know it sounds morbid, but I recently heard one bereaved mother say that every day on this earth is one day closer to being with her son again. I don't wish my earthly days to end any time soon, but I'm glad that when they are over, I'll be with you once again. I miss you, Case.
Love Mommy
Monday, July 21, 2014
Eight Month Birthday
I did not forget about you, sweet boy! This month was very full for us. On July 6, your 8 month birthday, we moved from Florida to North Carolina. We just got internet access today, so I am finally able to write to you.
Your daddy was a career counselor at Florida State and is now a professor at Wake Forest. His career move is why we made a family move. This move allows us to set down some roots. We purchased our first home and plan to stay here for many, many years. It has a room that would be perfect for a little boy. I think of you every time I set foot in there. Here is our new house.
Your sister is always dressing like a princess and wants to wear "fancy jewelry". The necklace she keeps asking for is her "Baby Case" necklace. Some friends of mine gave it to her after you passed away. It warms my heart that she want to wear it. It says your name and "I love you to heaven and back". After she got hers, I got one very similar to it.
Looking back, last month I talked about the NT scan when we got to see you. We got to see you again just a few weeks later at 17 weeks. That's when we found out you were a boy! With your sister, we didn't want to know the gender ahead of time. We chose to be surprised when she was born. Because we were high risk with you, we knew we'd have many ultrasounds and I feared we would see "something" on accident so I wanted to find out in a fun way.
At the ultrasound, we asked the tech to put your gender in an envelope. We were going to give the envelope to my friend who was going to pack a box with a boy outfit or a girl outfit. Then Daddy and I were going to have a nice dinner and unpack the box at dinner.
During the scan, we looked away at the crucial moments. We made it through the whole scan without seeing anything on accident. After the scan, the doctor came in and asked the tech to take one more measurement. As SOON as she put the wand on my belly, we saw a complete crotch shot. No doubt about what we were seeing! We immediately knew you were a boy. No doubt about it. We shielded our eyes and turned our heads as she covered the screen with her hand. So much for our hopes of not seeing something on accident, haha! Because we weren't 100% sure of what we were seeing, we kept our plan.
That night, my friend packed the box and Daddy and I went out to dinner. We waited until dessert to open the box. My friend is a sweetheart. She called ahead of time to tell the staff we were going to be there and asked them to bring us a dessert on her. They did it on the house. So while we were sharing our "congratulations" dessert, we opened the box. There was a card with a picture of your sister on it. And it said "I'm going to have a... Baby BROTHER!" We were a little nervous about having a boy since we only knew our little girl. But within an hour, we were thrilled that we were going to have a son too. We stopped by the bookstore, picked up a baby name book, and then went to the lake to pour through names. We had a name already picked out but we wanted to go through all the names again since we knew we were having a little boy.
You were the sweetest looking little guy! At that time, I didn't have a clue what you looked like. At your sister's anatomy scan, I immediately knew she looked like me. All I knew was that you didn't look like me. It was a waiting game to see who you actually did look like. It turns out you were your daddy's clone, except you got lucky and got your momma's nose. ;)
I miss you a lot. It's strange how you creep into conversations even when I don't intend to mention you. I hugged your bear as I fell asleep last night, thinking of how I should be staring in to a monitor as you're spending your first nights alone in your new room. I hope that you're enjoying heaven and can feel our love pouring from our hearts. The very first thing I did in our new home was light your memory candle. Daddy said he was glad you were included on our first night here. You'll always be a part of our family and a big piece of my heart is always with you.
Happy 8 month birthday, little guy.
Your daddy was a career counselor at Florida State and is now a professor at Wake Forest. His career move is why we made a family move. This move allows us to set down some roots. We purchased our first home and plan to stay here for many, many years. It has a room that would be perfect for a little boy. I think of you every time I set foot in there. Here is our new house.
Your sister is always dressing like a princess and wants to wear "fancy jewelry". The necklace she keeps asking for is her "Baby Case" necklace. Some friends of mine gave it to her after you passed away. It warms my heart that she want to wear it. It says your name and "I love you to heaven and back". After she got hers, I got one very similar to it.
Looking back, last month I talked about the NT scan when we got to see you. We got to see you again just a few weeks later at 17 weeks. That's when we found out you were a boy! With your sister, we didn't want to know the gender ahead of time. We chose to be surprised when she was born. Because we were high risk with you, we knew we'd have many ultrasounds and I feared we would see "something" on accident so I wanted to find out in a fun way.
At the ultrasound, we asked the tech to put your gender in an envelope. We were going to give the envelope to my friend who was going to pack a box with a boy outfit or a girl outfit. Then Daddy and I were going to have a nice dinner and unpack the box at dinner.
During the scan, we looked away at the crucial moments. We made it through the whole scan without seeing anything on accident. After the scan, the doctor came in and asked the tech to take one more measurement. As SOON as she put the wand on my belly, we saw a complete crotch shot. No doubt about what we were seeing! We immediately knew you were a boy. No doubt about it. We shielded our eyes and turned our heads as she covered the screen with her hand. So much for our hopes of not seeing something on accident, haha! Because we weren't 100% sure of what we were seeing, we kept our plan.
That night, my friend packed the box and Daddy and I went out to dinner. We waited until dessert to open the box. My friend is a sweetheart. She called ahead of time to tell the staff we were going to be there and asked them to bring us a dessert on her. They did it on the house. So while we were sharing our "congratulations" dessert, we opened the box. There was a card with a picture of your sister on it. And it said "I'm going to have a... Baby BROTHER!" We were a little nervous about having a boy since we only knew our little girl. But within an hour, we were thrilled that we were going to have a son too. We stopped by the bookstore, picked up a baby name book, and then went to the lake to pour through names. We had a name already picked out but we wanted to go through all the names again since we knew we were having a little boy.
You were the sweetest looking little guy! At that time, I didn't have a clue what you looked like. At your sister's anatomy scan, I immediately knew she looked like me. All I knew was that you didn't look like me. It was a waiting game to see who you actually did look like. It turns out you were your daddy's clone, except you got lucky and got your momma's nose. ;)
I miss you a lot. It's strange how you creep into conversations even when I don't intend to mention you. I hugged your bear as I fell asleep last night, thinking of how I should be staring in to a monitor as you're spending your first nights alone in your new room. I hope that you're enjoying heaven and can feel our love pouring from our hearts. The very first thing I did in our new home was light your memory candle. Daddy said he was glad you were included on our first night here. You'll always be a part of our family and a big piece of my heart is always with you.
Happy 8 month birthday, little guy.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Seven month birthday
Yesterday, you would have been 7 months old. I really cannot believe it has been that long.
Last month, I shared our 8 week ultrasound visit. In between then and the NT scan, I could check on you at home with a fetal doppler. The first time I found your heartbeat was around 10 weeks and it was pretty easy to find after that. I would search for your heartbeat, listen for less than 20 seconds after I found it, and then turn the doppler off. It gave me a chance to make sure you were doing okay any time I was worried, which was a lot!
The next time we got to see you was for an NT scan. We were very spoiled with all of the ultrasounds and LOVED getting a peek at you! The NT scan is supposed to detect any abnormalities early on so that the parents can be prepared. I always had a sense of worry about you but assumed it was due to having two losses before you. I just always worried that something would be wrong. The NT scan would have told us if you had Downs Syndrome and in the back of my mind, I was hoping that was what my sense of dread was about. If you had Downs, it would be okay. We would love you regardless.
The NT scan went well. Everything measured ahead, just like normal for you. From what they could tell, you didn't seem to have any physical problems, but they gave me a blood test just to be sure. The blood test confirmed that you did not have Downs. The nurse expected me to be a lot more excited about that news, but it took one possible explanation for my worry off of the table. The nurse asked if we wanted a gender guess. She was 85% sure you were a boy. She was right!
Such a cutie, even at 12w4d weeks gestation. We put your ultrasound pictures up on the fridge and told all of our friends and family about you after that appointment. We were so proud of you and excited to add to our family. We had been keeping you a secret from your sister due to our other two losses but told her about you that weekend. She was very excited that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy but thought you would be a "sister".
Typically, our days are just like they used to be. The irony of losing a baby before you can bring it home is life really doesn't change. It was supposed to, and we were really looking forward to that change, but it never happened. Your sister remembers so much. She talks about you quite often. She is always asking if I remember when I had a baby in my tummy and mentions it whenever we drive by the hospital (which is usually 4 times a day). She likes to play doctor and tells us that she has to be "on rest" because she has a baby in her tummy. It's so sweet that she remembers so much.
When we got your keepsake box from the hospital, we were told that we could come back and talk about what happened whenever we were ready. I am finally ready to do that and it's going to be so difficult. When they called me to confirm a time, just seeing the NICU number on my phone made me choke up. I can't imagine stepping foot in that building, the only place we ever KNEW you, and not having you with us. Your daddy said he was driving down Magnolia Road in the dark when he was told you weren't doing well, so driving there at night will often bring a flood of memories to him.
There have been a few other things this month that have brought my sadness out again. You NEVER "get over" losing anyone, much less your sweet baby so it makes sense that sadness will wax and wane. A very close friend of mine experienced a miscarriage this month. Her due date was going to be February 4, just two days after your due date. Seeing that due date brought back a flood of emotion anyway, but then for her to have miscarried, it's just been difficult. I prayed she would never have to go through any of the pain I've experienced and my heart just aches for her.
Another thing that brought out my sadness again was this bear.
He is an FAO Schwartz bear that I added weight to for a friend of mine. After you passed away, I found out about an organization called Molly Bears. They create bears weighing the exact amount of the baby who passed away, allowing the mother to hold something that was the same weight as their child once again. The organization is very busy so the wait time to get your bear is around 18 months. I couldn't wait that long so I made one of my own, a 2 lb 10 oz "Chocolate Bear" as your sister calls it. I shared Chocolate bear with a group of friends and a sweet mom asked if I could make one for her as well. Her son, Dane Jr., passed away from SIDS at 26 days old. Her bear has an embroidered heart with her son's name and a bow tie made from one of her son's outfits. "Brother Bear" (as her daughter calls it) is 21" and weighs 8 lbs 4 oz., exactly the same as her son. I hope to be able to offer these to many other moms in the near future.
We love you today and always, sweet Case. Sending you some hugs and kisses!
Last month, I shared our 8 week ultrasound visit. In between then and the NT scan, I could check on you at home with a fetal doppler. The first time I found your heartbeat was around 10 weeks and it was pretty easy to find after that. I would search for your heartbeat, listen for less than 20 seconds after I found it, and then turn the doppler off. It gave me a chance to make sure you were doing okay any time I was worried, which was a lot!
The next time we got to see you was for an NT scan. We were very spoiled with all of the ultrasounds and LOVED getting a peek at you! The NT scan is supposed to detect any abnormalities early on so that the parents can be prepared. I always had a sense of worry about you but assumed it was due to having two losses before you. I just always worried that something would be wrong. The NT scan would have told us if you had Downs Syndrome and in the back of my mind, I was hoping that was what my sense of dread was about. If you had Downs, it would be okay. We would love you regardless.
The NT scan went well. Everything measured ahead, just like normal for you. From what they could tell, you didn't seem to have any physical problems, but they gave me a blood test just to be sure. The blood test confirmed that you did not have Downs. The nurse expected me to be a lot more excited about that news, but it took one possible explanation for my worry off of the table. The nurse asked if we wanted a gender guess. She was 85% sure you were a boy. She was right!
Such a cutie, even at 12w4d weeks gestation. We put your ultrasound pictures up on the fridge and told all of our friends and family about you after that appointment. We were so proud of you and excited to add to our family. We had been keeping you a secret from your sister due to our other two losses but told her about you that weekend. She was very excited that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy but thought you would be a "sister".
Typically, our days are just like they used to be. The irony of losing a baby before you can bring it home is life really doesn't change. It was supposed to, and we were really looking forward to that change, but it never happened. Your sister remembers so much. She talks about you quite often. She is always asking if I remember when I had a baby in my tummy and mentions it whenever we drive by the hospital (which is usually 4 times a day). She likes to play doctor and tells us that she has to be "on rest" because she has a baby in her tummy. It's so sweet that she remembers so much.
When we got your keepsake box from the hospital, we were told that we could come back and talk about what happened whenever we were ready. I am finally ready to do that and it's going to be so difficult. When they called me to confirm a time, just seeing the NICU number on my phone made me choke up. I can't imagine stepping foot in that building, the only place we ever KNEW you, and not having you with us. Your daddy said he was driving down Magnolia Road in the dark when he was told you weren't doing well, so driving there at night will often bring a flood of memories to him.
There have been a few other things this month that have brought my sadness out again. You NEVER "get over" losing anyone, much less your sweet baby so it makes sense that sadness will wax and wane. A very close friend of mine experienced a miscarriage this month. Her due date was going to be February 4, just two days after your due date. Seeing that due date brought back a flood of emotion anyway, but then for her to have miscarried, it's just been difficult. I prayed she would never have to go through any of the pain I've experienced and my heart just aches for her.
Another thing that brought out my sadness again was this bear.
He is an FAO Schwartz bear that I added weight to for a friend of mine. After you passed away, I found out about an organization called Molly Bears. They create bears weighing the exact amount of the baby who passed away, allowing the mother to hold something that was the same weight as their child once again. The organization is very busy so the wait time to get your bear is around 18 months. I couldn't wait that long so I made one of my own, a 2 lb 10 oz "Chocolate Bear" as your sister calls it. I shared Chocolate bear with a group of friends and a sweet mom asked if I could make one for her as well. Her son, Dane Jr., passed away from SIDS at 26 days old. Her bear has an embroidered heart with her son's name and a bow tie made from one of her son's outfits. "Brother Bear" (as her daughter calls it) is 21" and weighs 8 lbs 4 oz., exactly the same as her son. I hope to be able to offer these to many other moms in the near future.
We love you today and always, sweet Case. Sending you some hugs and kisses!
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