Little signs

I tend to look for things to remind me of Case as I go through my days.  Recently, I saw a car with Case's birthday as the license plate.  I took a picture and sent it to the one person I knew would think it was a beautiful coincidence.  NOV6TH

The thing I see most often is Case tractors.  To be honest, I didn't know Case was the brand of anything before we had our little boy.  To later find out that tractors, a standard "boy" thing, was branded with his name was really sweet.  I used to picture telling him that one of HIS tractors was in view.  I can only imagine the joy a 2-3 year old boy would get out of seeing a tractor with his own name on it.  I forgot about that with the bustle of life.  I have been looking for those tractors as pick-me-ups lately.  I see the other brands and feel disappointed.  A few days ago, I saw a CAT tractor and my mind played out the scene as I wish it was.  I leaned my head to the back seat and said, "Sorry son!  That's not one of your special ones.  Maybe the next one will be."  I think the almost-four-year-old would be expecting all the tractors to be "his" nowadays.

A random conversation recently revealed that an older lady in our community lost her first baby to prematurity, but randomly enough, also at 10 days old.  I'm hoping to speak with this woman about her life after that.  She had three more kids (her loss was her first born) and her kids are all grown now.  The greatest gift for me is being able to connect to other mothers who have experienced loss, and I feel she would be able to offer a lot of insight.

Another loss-mom friend of mine once told me that 3 years was a breaking point for her.  She was "better" in that her life was churning along and she was coasting, but her mental state began to suffer. I didn't understand it at the time.  I felt like I was doing fine and more time meant more sanity.  Every month was a little better than the last so how could it get worse?

Almost 4 years out, I'm feeling what she felt.  It's not worse right now than it was months ago, but the chaos of life in general plus the immense stress I've been under due to unrelated incidences has led to me truly feeling like I've lost my mind.  I think back to the last time I truly felt sane and it was before Case.  October 31, Halloween 2013.  I had every reason to believe the future held nothing but joy for us, and then experienced the most tragic heartbreak.

I probably should have sought out counseling when we lost him.  We had two losses before him and I felt like a new baby would fix things.  The heartache kept piling up and I hit the bottom.  After digging myself out for nearly 4 years, I am now fully aware that I need some help sorting through life in general.  I need help with the anxiety caused by my losses.  I need help dealing with the stress of life.  I need help to learn how to honor my son's memory or being joyful without feeling guilty for not doing it "right".  I took a big step last week and sought out a counselor.

We all have our struggles in this life.  I have slowly allowed my struggles to steal my joy.  I miss the woman I was before my losses.  I am hoping that counseling helps me find that woman once again.