Little sisters

Last November, I was 32 weeks pregnant with Case's second little sister and was experiencing contractions.  With a cerclage in place, I didn't think much of it.  I told my doctor about the contractions and we agreed to a check up a few days later.  She wasn't too concerned either.  

I had my appointment at exactly 33 weeks and found out I was a centimeter dilated and had torn through my cerclage.  I was told to go straight to the hospital to have it surgically removed and also warned that removal could cause immediate labor.  

Back track to when we were trying for this sweet baby... It was March 2016 and I was upset we hadn't conceived.  I thought having a November baby would be wonderful... something joyful to look forward to in November, something to balance out the pain we will always feel in that month.  But when March came and went without seeing two lines, I knew that November baby wasn't going to happen.  We did conceive the very next month and that little one was due December 30th.  There was NO CHANCE I'd have that November baby.  Once my cerclage was placed, we were told it wouldn't be removed until 37 weeks which was December 3rd.  Once again, no chance of having that November baby.  Except....

During the early days of my pregnancy, I talked with others about how I wished things would go.  More than once, I said that I WISHED this baby would come a month early, around 34 weeks, so s/he would be born in November, be old enough and strong enough to not need NICU help, but be early enough to have to go to the NICU.  I thought that would be a healing experience, to be back in those walls.  

Fast forward once again... It's November 11th and I was told to go to the hospital to have my cerclage removed.  After arriving, we sat in triage for hours and hours.  The nurses kept apologizing.  I kept hearing comments about how my contractions were picking up or were pretty regular.  And yet, it was a busy day in Labor and Delivery.  Quite a few babies needed to be born via c-section and so the operating room wasn't available.  I wasn't an emergency situation and I was thankful for that.  

Eleven hours after arriving at the hospital, I was finally brought back for my cerclage removal.  The doctors weren't sure how to go about this.  Cutting the stitch would likely puncture the sac and our baby would have been born right away.  They ultimately found a solution and were able to remove to cerclage.  I was dilated to 3 centimeters by then and was sent to the bed rest unit with antibiotics in an IV drip for 4 days.  I was finally released on November 14th.  At this point, I thought our baby would stay put until December 3rd.  All of my babies come on the third!  I had kind of forgotten about my "wish" of an early baby.

I had an appointment with my doctor on November 23rd, the day before Thanksgiving.  She asked me if I wanted her to check me and I said no, that we should just let the baby be.  I also told her that she'd come on December 3rd.  My doctor laughed and said that was too early, that she needed to stay a bit longer.  Later that night, two weeks into bed rest, my water broke.  We went to the hospital in shock.  This baby was coming... in November... at 34 weeks gestation!

Birth was extremely fast.  At the time she was born, I had only been in the delivery room for 3 minutes and the triage nurse was the only one in there with me, having just pushed me over from triage.  Our second rainbow was born pink and screaming.  I didn't know it at that time, but their NICU cut off is 35 weeks and she just missed that by 22 hours.  She was born on Thanksgiving morning, November 24, 2016, at 2:13 am.  

We had a perfectly healthy preemie.  She was breathing completely on her own.  She was able to regulate her own temperature.  She could nurse and drink from a bottle.  Essentially, she didn't NEED the NICU.  But because she was early, she had to go.  She developed jaundice and we ended up staying for 9 days.  9 days of seeing other babies, of seeing other moms of preemies, of seeing 24 weekers going home, of seeing 28 weekers thriving, 9 days of hearing the beeps of machines, of seeing the joy and fear on NICU parents' faces.  It was incredibly challenging for me but also incredibly healing.  

She wasn't born on December 3rd, but that's when our sweet little one came home.  

Right in the midst of our grieving season, November 6 - 16, we were dealing with the prospect of having another preemie.  I didn't want her to be born during that window of time.  That time is precious to Case.  I had four days in the hospital to think about my last 4 days in the hospital.  This time though, I left with my baby still on the inside.  

It's amazing how the timing of all of that worked out.  This November, we do have something joyful to look forward to.  While preparing for Case's birthday, we get to prepare for his littlest sister's birthday as well.  I find it so ironic that November is premature birth awareness month, and we've had two preemies in this month.  I'm also in awe that having another November baby seemed impossible, but somehow, it happened.  I'm so thankful for all of our little ones.  

     

4th Birthday

Sweet boy, how has it been four years since we first met you?  I really don't know how time flies by so quickly.  It seems like just a week ago that I was in the hospital, meeting you for the very first time.  And yet, it also feels like my arms have been yearning to hold your once again for far more than four years.

We celebrated your birthday with a lumberjack theme.  This is your cover photo card.  I wanted something with a tree on it and when I searched, this theme came up and I figured with your birthday being in the Fall, it would be perfect for you.

This is your cake which is made to look like a log.  I made the chocolate bark which didn't go as well as I had hoped it would, but I'm also no professional, haha!  It was a chocolate fudge cake with chocolate fudge icing and chocolate bark.  

It was decadent and delicious.

At 3:34, the time you were born, I lit your candle.  This candle holder was a gift from a friend and I still adore it.  I'm so thankful she thought to get it for me.

We had pizza for dinner because Hadley thought your favorite food would be pizza.  She's probably right.  Would have preferred plain cheese or pepperoni?  

Here is your cake with your bear and your candle set up right by it.

We sang to you and then blew out your candles for you.  The cake was delicious!  We had a piece on a plate in front of your bear, and once our pieces were gone, we split yours up between daddy and Hadley.  

I wanted to get another Case tractor for you this year and it totally slipped my mind until Saturday.  I bought it but knew there was no way it would get to us by Monday.  Even though it had to travel all the way from the West coast to the East coast, and even though Sunday is a no-mail day, it somehow made it to my hands on Monday, your birthday!!! This is the second year we've had a birthday miracle involving your gifts and I'm absolutely sure you have a hand in that.  

We think about gifts we can give you every year and it's always a challenge.  This year, we were invited by a fellow loss mom to join her at a 

March of Dimes Gala just a few weeks ago.  We donated some money to 

March of Dimes and I consider that to be somewhat of a birthday gift to you, although it was also to honor Violet.  As a side note, Violet's mom and I think you two are probably best friends up there in heaven.  We assume you two keep your eyes on us and since we're often together, you two probably bumped into each other a few times.  I bet she's like a big sister to you.  

We also chose to get a tree for you this year, which is where your birthday theme came from.  We went to a nursery and daddy picked out an 8 ft dogwood tree.  It's a beautiful little tree and I love that we now have a memory tree of yours in our front yard.  I am looking forward to seeing it bloom this Spring.

Last year, two of our friends brought us gifts to help us celebrate your life.  This year, they both did that once again.  I cannot put into words how thankful I am for them and for the love they show to us, and therefore to you.  

One of the friends brought us a few things which included a buffalo plaid hat ornament to go with your birthday theme this year.  She said she saw it and knew it was perfect.  But at that time, she didn't realize how perfect it actually was because it happens that it fits your bear's head perfectly!

Some day this hat will be taken off, but for right now I just love it and so it's staying on your little bear's head.  Your bear is holiday ready!  

This birthday had a different tone to it than past birthdays.  During your first birthday, we desperately wanted it to be a celebration and tried soooo hard to be happy that day.  But with where we were in our grief journey, that literally just wasn't possible.  Your second birthday was a mix of grief and joy.  Your third was really hard once again.  But this birthday, we were able to focus on the joy your birth brought to us and had a beautiful day of celebrating you.  I am incredibly grateful for the healing that time has brought to us, but also want to make sure you know that you're never far from my heart.

Happy birthday, sweet baby Case.  

Even though you would be such a big boy now, you'll always be my baby.  

I hope you could feel our love for you reaching all the way to heaven.