Hard to believe our boy is celebrating his golden birthday this year. I wanted this year to be special, different, the celebration of his life to be larger. I thought about having a party for him and inviting those in our lives that have loved him despite not knowing him. As the month approached, it felt so strange to me, to have a birthday party for someone who isn't alive, but I pushed through because I wanted this year to be more memorable. A friend recommended having a football themed party because my husband loves football, so our 6 year old boy probably would too. Their birthdays are only 8 days apart so that Saturday was 3 days after Case's and 5 days before my husband's, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to do a joint football party where we could celebrate both of my guys.
I felt like the only way to keep it happy was to make it short and sweet. The party for Case was 30 minutes and was just before the party for my husband. Those invited to Case's received a "VIP pass" invitation in addition to the "football ticket" to come to my husband's party. It was really cute and the guests enjoyed that.
We did a tailgating theme and had people bring a side to share. Case's cake was a football shape while my husband's was yellow with little football candles. We asked guests to bring a gift for a 6 year old boy that we will donate to toys for tots when the toy drives begin.
The day began and my emotions were running so high. This was the one and only time we'd ever have a party for our guy and I wanted everything to be just right. We'd never invited others to celebrate him before. We'd never shared "him" with our friends. While I was nervous about how it would go, about celebrating the birthday of someone who wasn't alive, it really couldn't have been more beautiful. We had many kids around who were wearing their VIP passes which said his name. His bear was sitting next to his cake. We had his photo album out and people could take it and see our boy if they felt inclined to. Most of them did, and it warmed my heart to be able to share a baby album with friends, just like any mom would love to do. While it was hard to DO his party, having others celebrate our guy will stay with me forever.
I didn't expect much on his birthday this year, since we had a party scheduled. My friends... they're so wonderful... they brought me cards and flowers just like they have been doing every other year. I'm working at a preschool this year and three of the other teachers did something to honor him on the 6th. It was unexpected and so touching.
The sweetest thing this year was that on his birthday, I woke up to our littlest (who is almost 3) singing Happy Birthday to him while holding a balloon my husband bought. She likes to end words in "O" though, so she was singing Happy Birthday, dear Case-o, and it sounded like queso. Having pure joy as the first thing I heard that morning really colored how my day would be. I shared with friends about this Case-o nickname and how wonderful it was to have something new for him. It's strange but after someone is gone, you don't have new memories, you know? And when that person is gone before you have any sense of who they are, nicknames and such just never happen. So to have a nickname given by his littlest sister, it was just a beautiful thing. Now to add to that...
It just so happens that Nov 6 is actually National Nacho day so a friend told me it was Case-o day for real! I mentioned this online and quite a few friends had queso in his honor. Our family? We LOVE some queso! So off to our favorite Mexican restaurant we went, and we had queso for our Case-o too. A good friend invited us to have ice cream with her family (her treat) so we met her after dinner and had some ice cream before coming home and eating football cupcakes I made for Case.
Every year, his birthday has been so heavy on my heart. This year was the same, except it felt like it would have if he were here. I'm sure he would have wanted queso, that we'd call him case-o, that we would have gone out for ice cream, that he would have wanted a football party, and that he would have loved doing a joint party with his dad. This year definitely felt the most "normal".
This year, Case would have started Kindergarten. On the first day of school, it hit me that he would be going to school with his big sister. I had visions of her walking him to class because he was nervous. Then I realized he wouldn't have been nervous. Somehow, I just know he would have been the kid who waves bye at the school front door as I stood watching him and holding back tears, trying to look strong in case he looked back. I don't think he would have been the quiet kid that our oldest was. He would have been himself... and I wish I could know what that would have been. Having other moms being sad on the first day of school hit me really hard this year, as they were struggling with saying bye for the day while I wished that was my reality as well.
I longed to be near him this year, in a way that hasn't happened before. There have been random days where I fell asleep with his bear, more so because I wanted to snuggle something and his bear is next to my pillow each night. For his birthday and the week following, I just needed to have him near though, and couldn't sleep without his bear. I am so grateful that while I can't have him near, I have something of his, a piece of him. I love our little guy so much. Here's to Case's 6 on the 6th!
