On Halloween in 2013, I was 27 weeks pregnant with you. I had on a cute little pumpkin shirt (shown below with an added bow while I was pregnant with your little sister). We went to a busy trick or treating area where they block off the streets, and I remember being in pain as we walked around. Looking back, that was probably the early stages of labor with you. Every year since, trick or treating brings me back there, back to my last happy family memory before you were born.
November 3rd was a medically induced blur. I know labor kicked up many times and I know medicine stopped it from progressing. November 4th was spent sleeping. I remember the 5th. I remember the monitors, your sister coming to watch a movie with me, us reading books, sharing hospital food.
And then there's the 6th. Your birthday. My water breaking. Being terrified. Many flashbacks. It all feels so real, so in the moment. The intensity of the emotions is so strong yet it also feels distant. Four years ago, I worked on your birthday and could barely hold myself together. I vowed to never have commitments on your birthday again, to always make November 6th about you. I'm grateful that for the past three years, I have done that. Today was busy with three girls in the house, but your sisters bring joy to my day and remind me of you in so many ways.
Your oldest sister has your nose and I feel like you had the same expressions. The middle sister has the same shaped head and eyes as you, your side profile as well. All three of you have the same feet, and that curled pinky "Pemberton toe" your Grandma's dad had. I love how your pinky toe curled in.
Your littlest sister has your fingers. When she holds my hand, it takes me back to when you held my finger with your teeny little hand.
Today's Celebration
This year, your theme was "Space". Your sisters love constellations and Luciana Vega (doll of the year at American Girl. If you were here, you'd be sick of hearing about her!). I thought a Space theme would be fitting. I made a rocket-shaped cake along with UFO cupcakes (and some chocolate ones with stars).
We went to visit your tree (I need to write another post about your tree!) and I was delighted that it was in bloom. A Fall Blooming Cherry was definitely the right choice. While all the trees around were either changing colors or losing leaves, yours was the only one that was flowering. It provided such a beautiful contrast.
We each wrote a note (or scribbled) on your balloon and released it. Your middle sister said it flew up to Heaven and you got it. Your littlest sister was not happy about the balloon flying away but seemed to understand when we explained that it was your balloon. She asked us where it was the whole ride home! You can just barely see it in the heart on the last picture.
After your balloon flew out of sight, the sun broke through and the lake looked stunning.
Your middle sister asked this morning if we were going to your house tonight for your birthday. She's 3 (and 9 months) and is just beginning to process these types of things. We explained to her that you are in heaven and don't have a house. Tonight, she asked if you'd be coming to our house for your birthday, so we tried to explain again. She felt like you'd really be getting that balloon we sent off and who knows... maybe you really will. We went through your pictures tonight to try to show her who you are and explain what happened. When we got to the end, she wanted to look through them again. I am so glad that she's beginning to "know" you.
Happy 5th birthday, Case in Space! I miss you today and forever. Love, Mommy
