Case is 3!

It's always hard knowing how to celebrate the birthday of someone who isn't with you.  I worry about doing too much or too little, never really knowing where to draw the line or even knowing what feels right for us.   But birthdays come and we roll with them.

Case would be 3 years old today.  If he were with us, we would have had a big birthday party yesterday.  It's impossible to know what he'd be in to, but after some googling on boy's 3rd birthday party themes, I thought a race car theme was pretty cute.  If you know me, you know I go all out for birthday parties.  I love a good theme and I love making things like the invitations, a birthday shirt, cake, and decorations.  But again, how much is too much?  Why make a card when no one is going to come?  So instead of a "card", I decide to make my facebook cover photo into a card for him every year.  This year was a vintage race car.  

I absolutely loved the look of the banner and the car.  I imagine most of our decor would be in these colors and that little car... so perfect even down to the #3!

The cake was the next big thing.  His first birthday, I just made a basic cake.  His second birthday, a close friend brought a cake for us which was just beyond sweet.  But this year, with a theme in mind, I decided to make him a cake.  I spend a lot of time on the cakes I make for my other children's birthdays so it was kind of nice to do the same for him.

  

Our oldest actually made the cake herself.  I baked it and decorated it, and my husband crunched up the oreos for the road.  He also helped me figure out how to pour the oreos on without making a huge mess of everything!  A 3-shaped race track with 3 cars... <3  

One other thing that was new this year was I got him a present.  I wasn't sure about doing that... what do you get for someone that you know will literally never use it?  But then again, my SON is turning 3.  How can I not get him a birthday present?  But what could I get?

One thing that's happened this year is I've seen a lot of construction vehicles, specifically Case brand.  Seeing them always put a smile on my face so I knew that was what I needed to get for him.  At 3 years old, Case now has his first birthday present.  I am going to put it in my craft cabinet to display, and I have a feeling I'll be getting him a new piece for the collection every year.

   

His big sister is old enough now that she understands this day is special to us and really misses her brother.  On Tuesday, 5 days before his birthday, she decided to make him a card.  My heart melted.  She made a book for him this morning but I did not take any pictures of it.  She makes me smile through my sadness.

We decided to make this day as normal as possible, basically making it a day like it would have been if he were here.  We went to church this morning and I broke down into tears a few times.  It's hard knowing what today could have been instead of what it is.  He would have been running around to all of our church friends saying, "It's my birthday!  I'm 3!!!"  

After church, we came home to pack a lunch and went to the lake to have a family picnic.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day.  We brought his sweet little bear with us which helped me feel a little more connected to him.  

After our picnic, we had been invited to a group barbecue and I wasn't sure if I'd be emotionally able to attend, but I was holding up a lot better than I expected to be.  We decided to go and it was really nice.  Other people there acknowledged him and the event helped me keep my mind preoccupied.  

When we got home, I saw our glass door was slightly opened and I told my husband that either the B family or the J family had left something for us for his birthday.  And actually, BOTH of them had!  It's hard to have your kid's birthday celebrated alone, but how can you invite others to take part in the sadness?  Having friends that know and still want to show you they care is the most amazing feeling.  We received 3 balloons and two flower arrangements.  Case's little bear is posing with the gifts.

  

Case's 3rd birthday was the first one that I felt we were truly able to celebrate even through the sadness.  We sang him happy birthday, ate a little bit of his cake, and opened his gift for him.  His big sister explained to him what his gifts were and what you do with them.  

It is impossible to believe that 3 years have passed since we first got to meet this sweet little boy.  I am eternally grateful for the 10 days we were given to love on him, but I will always wish we had more.  

Love you, sweet Case.

The gift of new life

When Case died, I didn't know which way was up or down.  I was completely lost in the sea of grief and feared losing everyone I held dear.  Just 7 months after Case died, I found out we were expecting a new little one.  God gave me a sense of peace and an intuition that everything would be okay.  In contrast, I feared losing Case every day I was pregnant.  God gave me that intuition as well, but it was a blessing in so many ways because I was thankful for every day I had with him, thinking it might be the last.  When he was born, I finally breathed a sigh of relief because he was here and he was safe.  I expected to lose him when he was still inside.  I was blindsided by losing him at 10 days old.  

Exactly one year and one day after Case's due date, his little sister was born.  It took a while for me to fully realize the impact that having her had on me.  The pregnancy itself was healing.  Making it full term and needing an induction after fighting so long to keep her in was surreal.  Getting to hold a living, breathing, pink, full term, healthy little baby after holding my tiny, fragile son was impossibly hard but also very healing.  

When we had our oldest, I knew I wanted more kids.  We had agreed that 3 to 4 children sounded wonderful.  Then we experienced loss after loss and then had Case.  Right after he was born, I informed my husband that this was it.  I was done.  I couldn't go through preterm labor and hospital bed rest, the daily fear of it being the last day with that baby, again.  My husband joked and said he'd convince me to have more.  Then Case died and the tables turned.  I told my husband I wanted more.  My husband told me he would NEVER ask me to put myself through that again.  But I knew he wanted more children, and after a few months, we were both ready to try again.  I was scared.  Terrified is more accurate.  But, I refused to allow fear to control my life.  I wanted more children.  I wouldn't allow fear to keep me from my dreams.  And so we tried again and were blessed beyond measure with our sweet little girl.  

After her birth, I was once again done.  Pregnancy was smooth as far as complications but it was rough on my body and my mental state.  I had to be constantly vigilant about contractions because I wasn't going to have another preemie if I could help it!  It wore me out, and I was so emotionally drained once she was born.  But babies have a way of filling my spirit up and our second little girl healed me in a way that nothing else could have done.  

When she was 6 months old, I started questioning if we were really done.  How does one know?  We wanted three to four kids and had three.  Two on earth, one in heaven.  But I didn't know if that felt right.  We had three kids, but I felt an empty space.  That empty space was confusing though.  Was it empty because Case should be there?  If that was the reason, I'd always feel that empty space so a new child wouldn't help.  But was that the reason?  I had no idea and no clue how to sort it out other than prayer and reflection.

I decided I was done and the empty space was because Case was missing.  It would never be filled.  A piece of my heart was always going to be with him and that was what I was experiencing.  But the idea of having another baby kept creeping back in, and I knew my husband wanted to have another child.  Since it mostly impacts my body, he wasn't going to pressure me in the least.  I had told him I wasn't interested and he never brought it up again.  After 2 months of thinking and praying more, I realized I was ready to add to our family but didn't know whether that was biologically or through adoption.  I had always wanted to adopt and I knew my husband was open to adoption but more interested in biological children.  I didn't know which path was right for us.  So I prayed some more and finally told him I was interested in trying again, but only for a few months.  If nothing happened in that window, I wanted to move forward with adoption. I think that was my way of allowing God to choose for me.  Either I'd get pregnant or I wouldn't, and whether that happened or not was up to God.  

The fear that came after that conversation... oh man.  I was opening myself back up to a world of pain and heartache.  We had our happy ending.  What was I thinking???  Could I handle another miscarriage?  Could I survive losing another child?  I found myself hoping I was pregnant each month and then being so relieved that I wasn't.  I started focusing on adoption, found some siblings that I wanted to add to our family, and prayed and prayed.  We didn't have a home study, so I knew those children would be gone before we were able to get our paperwork in.  However, I knew other children would need homes and so once again, I was torn.  

That week, I happened to be at a meeting where people were sharing their stories and I felt pulled to share mine.  I stood up and shared my past and my uncertainty about the future.  I asked that room full of women to pray for an answer, to lead me down the path of pregnancy or adoption.  I think their prayers worked.  I found out I was expecting exactly one week later!  That same day, I checked on the children's profile that I had fallen in love with and saw that they had been adopted.  I was filled with such gratitude that they had a new home.  

Much like our last baby, I had a sense of peace that this little one was going to make it.  Also much like that pregnancy, my sense of peace was at war with my mind.  I was always scared that something was going to go wrong even though this voice in my head kept telling me to relax, breathe, it's going to be alright.  I'm happy to say that we've made it 19 weeks so far!  My cerclage was placed at 13 weeks, this baby is genetically perfect, and despite our gut instinct telling us I was carrying a boy, God planted a third little girl in our family.  I think Case likes being our only boy, and in so many ways, I like that too.  

This little girl is expected to make her debut right before Christmas, and thanks to my most recent pregnancy and birth, I am able to focus on the joy of this baby and keep the fear at bay.  Without the healing God provided through the birth of our youngest child, I never would have had the courage to go down this path again.  So in many ways, this little girl has her closest sister to thank for her life.

I'm happy to say that once I found out I was pregnant, the empty spot in my heart began to close.  Although Case is always missing and always will be, he's also here in so many ways.  My heart isn't feeling empty because he's gone.  Our family will always be one member less than it should be, but I feel God has restored a big piece of me that died with Case.  He gave me a son for 10 short days and has blessed me with two wonderful daughters and a third on the way.  For the first time since Case died, I am starting to feel whole again.