Two years ago, I was naive to the world of baby loss. I knew of it, but I had no reason to think it would happen to me. After 4 days of bed rest, things were looking promising. Labor had stopped. I was being sent to long-term bed rest. I was in this for the long haul. At 1:30, your daddy went home so your sister could take a nap. My friend was coming to visit around 2:45. At 2:35 p.m., I called her and told her my water just broke. She went to our house to watch your sister which allowed daddy to come be with me. You were born at 3:34 p.m., less than 30 minutes after daddy arrived. In that moment, I was forever changed. I became a mom of two babies. I now had a son. I was entering the NICU roller coaster. I was no longer on bed rest. And I had this teeny, tiny, little boy who had more fight, spunk, and spirit than any other person I knew.
One year ago, I thought I could create a joyous 1st birthday celebration. I thought it would be a relatively normal day that I could add special elements to. I expected to grieve, but I didn't expect to be debilitated by my emotions. At that time, I was so fearful. I was 26 weeks pregnant with your little sister and was terrified of losing her too. I despised being pregnant because I should have been holding you in my arms. If you were with us, the baby in my belly wouldn't be. It was very difficult for me to work through. And on top of all of that, we should have been having a day of celebration! You were one! One year ago was an incredibly painful reminder of all that should have been and all that we were missing.
I was amazed at how different November 6th has been this year. I devoted my day to you as much as I could. I made no plans. I chose to only do things I wanted to do and made sure all the necessary tasks were completed the day before. This allowed me to pause whenever necessary and devote my mind and thoughts to you. The biggest difference in me now versus a year or two ago is my compassion and understanding. I have had two friends lose babies this year and I have been able to support them in a way I wouldn't have been capable of before. I am more open to talking about you. And although I hate that you're not with us, I've come to terms with your absence. Unlike last year, this birthday was more than just motions. We were able to have some elements of joyous celebration.
A very good friend of mine brought us meals for the entire day so that we wouldn't have to cook. She also brought us a cake and candles to help us celebrate. We began celebrating your birthday at the time of your birth, 3:34 p.m. We lit your birthday candle for one minute and watched it in silence.
After that, we bought your birthday balloon and went to your tree to release it. Daddy and I wrote notes to you on your balloon while your sisters sent their love.
The main plan for the day was to get you a build-a-bear. When daddy and I were celebrating our 2nd anniversary, we went to build-a-bear and bought a teddy bear. We named him Teddy Bi-year. Years later, your older sister was born. I wanted her to choose a build-a-bear on her 2nd birthday and add to the Bi-year family. Once the time came, she chose a rabbit that she named Bunny Bi-year. Today was your turn, and since you couldn't pick out a bear, I chose one for you. Your big sister did all of the fun stuff for you. I'm pretty sure she would have taken the lead even if you were here. That's just how your sister is! We picked out the Charlie Brown outfit for your bear, partly because it was cute, and partly because the new Peanuts Movie was released today.
After we got your bear, we ate dinner and then went to see the Peanuts Movie. It was a really cute movie and daddy said he felt you would have really liked it. I'm sure you would have. Your big sister brought your bear into the movie and held it the whole time.
As time goes on, she is becoming more comfortable talking about you. She wanted to wear her "big sister" shirt today because (in her words) "then baby brother will know that I'm his big sister, too!" Once she saw her dresses hanging in her closet, she changed her mind, but she wore her Case memory necklace in your honor. She told her teacher that today was your birthday. Her teacher's response was that she wished she had gotten a card. Very, very sweet. Later on while we were getting the bear, the build-a-bear worker asked if it was for her. She told the woman that it was for our baby boy that is in heaven. She also made up a birthday song that I overheard her singing for you today.
Birthday Song
It's a baby boy in heaven. Boy, boy, boy.
It's a baby boy in heaven.
Everyone is getting ready to celebrate
because it's his birthday.
After your sisters went to bed, daddy and I looked through your picture album together. Then I wanted some time alone to go through your memory box. That's when the tears started to flow. Many days, losing you seems like such a distant memory: almost like you were from another lifetime. But then there are days like today where losing you is still so raw. I held each of the things in that box and wept for all that we lost. My favorite object is the pacifier. It was given to you fairly early on and it fell on the floor when I was holding you. The nurse was going to throw it away but asked if I wanted it. I felt it would be a sweet keepsake: your first pacifier! It stayed on my dresser for months and then finally made it's way into your box. I'm very glad I have it along with all of the other items given to me.
I read a poem the other day from parents who just lost their precious baby girl. It was very sweet and I want to share it with you.
They say there is a reason. They say that time will heal.
But neither time nor reason can change the way I feel.
No one knows the heartache that lies behind my smile.
No one knows how many times I've broken down and cried.
I want to tell you something so there won't be any doubt.
You're so wonderful to think of, but so hard to be without.
- Allyson and Billy NelsonMuch love to you, sweet boy. I loved you yesterday, I love you today, I will love you tomorrow, and will continue to love you for the rest of my days.
