Halfy Birthday! You'd be 6 months old today

The waxing and waning of grief has rolled over me this month.  A few days ago, I was constantly on the verge of tears.  Today, I'm back to feeling like "me".  I am very used to the fact that you're gone and aren't coming back.  I'm not angry about it nor do I question why, but there are days that I simply miss you.  You'd be 6 months old right now.  I vividly remember when your sister turned 6 months old.  She had a "half" cake for her halfy birthday.   You had more hair at 28w gestation than she did at 6 months (even 15 months) old.  She was a cue-ball!

Because you're not here to celebrate, I'll bake a cake in your honor.   After your sister wakes up from her nap, we're going to buy a balloon and release it for you.  I'm looking forward to it because it will be the first time I've done something like this.   I'm sure it will be the first of many.

Mothers' Day is this coming Sunday.  It's strange to have so much tied in a day, but Mothers' Day is going to be very hard for me this year.   Oh course it's difficult to celebrate Mothers' day without one of your children, but there is much more tied to this day when it comes to you.  I enjoy coming up with names for our babies during the gestational period.  Your sister was "The Rock", which was short for Shamrock since she was due in mid March.  Daddy liked it because he enjoys wrestling.  Beanie was called that because that's what your daddy called him when we first saw his heartbeat.  He looked like a little bean on the ultrasound monitor.  Nole actually began as Noel.  Noel was conceived on Christmas, and being due in September, football season, I felt like Nole might be a better nickname.  I used both interchangeably.  Then it was your turn.  You were conceived on Mother's Day, so you were our Mother's Day Baby.  From then on, known as MDB.  I think about you every day, but I think Mother's Day will be exceptionally hard without my MDB with me.

At your 4 month birthday, I had decided to relive the early memories of you and will continue with that.  The only memory I shared so far was when we first saw you and what a relief that was.  2 weeks later, it was time for our 8 week appointment.  Both of our losses happened in the 7th week so we were a little nervous.  I can't explain why, but I just knew everything was going to be okay though.  Daddy kept your sister in the hallway while I laid on the table waiting for the ultrasound to begin, just in case.  He would come in once he was told everything was okay.  We didn't want your sister to see us sad at that moment if you were not okay.  Not even 10 seconds later, the nurse and I both called for Daddy and your sister to come in.  We could see your heartbeat flicker and told your sister what she was looking at, but didn't tell her she was going to be a big sister yet.  Here you are at 8 weeks gestation.  Once again, you measured 4 days ahead.  Always an over-achiever!

   

We love you, Case.  Happy halfy-birthday, sweet boy.