Four Month Birthday

Sweet, sweet Case...

We miss you so much these days.  Everything is a reminder of you and the life that should have been.  I've spent a lot of time this month thinking back to all of the memories of you.  Most people only knew you to be "alive" for 10 days, but the journey leading to those 10 days was quite eventful.

In September of 2012, we began trying for another baby.  In October, we found out we were pregnant and were very excited.  We made plans to tell everyone about the baby on Thanksgiving.  I would have been 7 weeks pregnant.  The Friday before Thanksgiving, we went to the doctor and saw a "healthy" little bean with a strong heartbeat.  I was 6 weeks, 4 days from my calculations but the baby measured 6 weeks, 1 day.  On Wednesday night, the day before Thanksgiving, I unexpectedly began bleeding and we lost "Beanie".  

In December, I was so angry that I wasn't pregnant so we tried again and found out we were expecting another baby!  This one, I called "Nole".  Because of the heartache we had the previous time, I decided to wait until 8 weeks for the first visit.  We went in on February 4th and I should have been 7 weeks 5 days.  Nole measured 7 weeks 3 days and didn't have a heartbeat.  We were devastated.  After losing Nole, the doctors did some testing on me and told me to take x, y, and z to hopefully have a better pregnancy outcome.  We were also told to wait 3 cycles before trying again.

In May, we were ready to try again.  By the end of May, we knew we were expecting you but were very cautious.  I spent every day terrified of losing you.  Around 5 1/2 weeks, I began spotting and feared the worst.  That was a Friday so I had to wait until Monday to check on you.  As your daddy and I sat in the waiting room, I was hyperventilating, thinking I couldn't possibly go through this again.  I was shaking so badly and was so scared that the ultrasound tech had to make me take deep breaths to even be able to see you.  I so clearly remember that scene and the wonderful words I heard.  She said, "I see a baby... and I see a HEARTBEAT!"  She was so happy for us!  Then she said something about how you didn't look like 6w1d and I began to get scared again.  However, she told us you were bigger!!!  You measured 6w5d!  

I never expected to get emotional in that room.  It was the same room we found out about Nole passing.  And because Nole passed further along than you were, I didn't think hearing good news would affect me.  But it did, way more than I ever expected.  It was quite possibly the happiest moment in my life.  Your daddy held my hand and we cried; we cried tears of joy.  I believe the tech shed some tears too.  You started life ahead of the game and were always a strong little fighter.

March of has been pretty eventful for us.  Your big sister turned 3!  She had a puppy-themed party at the park, and a lot of our friends came to join in the celebration.  At the party, I felt at peace.  I felt like you were there, celebrating with us.  You were sorely missed but I could sense your presence.  I hope I will always feel you near when I'm wishing you were there.  We love you today and always.

Love, 
Your Mommy
   

Three Month Birthday

I can't believe it's been 3 months since the day you were born.  It seems like just yesterday, yet a lifetime ago.  

This week has been harder than most.  Your due date, February 2, was Sunday.  It's crazy that you should have just been born.  I don't "check on you" in the back seat of the car as much now.  I'm getting more used to the fact that you're not here; I don't think I'll ever be okay with you being gone though. 

While I was pregnant with you, I had many friends who were due within a few weeks of me.  All but one of them has given birth now.  One has a baby in the NICU because she came 6 weeks early.  Seeing their newborns and getting updates from them has made this week especially difficult.  By now, you definitely would have been home.

The strangest thing is that I feel like your death is an impossibility.  In my mind, something happened that caused us to give you up for adoption and now you're being raised by another family.  I want to find you and fight to get you back.  I wish I had that option.  I think that I feel that way because I sort of did give you to someone else to raise.  I gave you to God.  Not willingly, but you left this earth and are with him now.  I wish you were with me.  I know you'll do just fine in heaven though.  It's us on earth that are missing out.

Your sister talks about you a lot now.  She says she's sad that you passed away.  She calls you , "My baby, Case."   Everyday, I see how good of a big sister she would have been/is to you.  I hope you can feel how much she loves you.  We all love you.  

Happy 3 month birthday, little one.

Love mommy

Two month birthday

Dearest Case,

Life is a strange sense of normalcy.  Everything is the way it was, but nothing is the way it should be.  A few weeks ago, I had this strange feeling that I was forgetting something as I was walking out the door.  After stopping and looking around the house twice, I realized it was you I was forgetting.  My mind knew you should be with us as we were leaving and was "reminding me" to grab the car seat.  Something similar happened as I was driving the other day.  I looked in the back seat to see your sister and then glanced back to see you, only to remember that you weren't back there. 

The other morning, I was sitting at the kitchen table as your sister was eating her breakfast.  There was a strange sense of calmness in the house and it took me a minute to place the reason.  Life shouldn't be calm and normal right now.  Everything should be hectic.  I have no doubt that you would have been home by now.  Your daddy thought you'd be home by Christmas.  My guess was New Year's Day.  Now it's January 6th.  You would have been home by now.  I just know it.  We would be juggling life with a newborn and a toddler.  The calm moments at the table wouldn't be happening.  Our bedroom and living room would be full of baby gear.  My dresser would be a drawer short to fit your baby clothes.  I'd be changing lots of diapers, teaching your sister all about babies, figuring out your nursing schedule, learning your personality, figuring out your cries, and not getting any sleep.  But I can honestly say I would have loved every minute. 

I get this sense that you're always telling me, "Don't worry, mom.  I'm doing great!"  I'm so thankful that I can "hear" you speaking to me.  I hope the connection goes both ways and that you can hear the things I say to you too.  

A dear friend drew some pictures as a gift for us.  They will always be treasured.  

   

We love you, Case.   We always will. 

One month birthday

Dear Case, 

When your sister celebrated her monthly birthdays, I always wrote her a letter.  You're my baby too so I intend to do the same for you.  

I look back on where we were one month ago today.  I had just been moved to long term bed rest in the hospital and then my water broke.  An hour later, you entered the world crying, just as any baby should.  I remember turning to Seth right before you were born and telling him that you were going to be alright.  I said it because I hoped it would be true; not because I knew it would be.  But then you were born and you cried.  I felt so much better about your chances of survival.  As the days went on, we were told how big you were, how strong you were, how "mature" you were for a 28 week preemie.  Never did I imagine you would be gone just a few short days later.  Never did I imagine that an incredibly common bacteria would take your life.

But here we are a month after your birth.  I miss you so very much.  We all do.  Many days are very difficult emotionally.  I know you're gone.  I know you're not coming back.  But I also know that you're always going to be with me in spirit.  I know you'll always be in my heart and on my mind.

Today we received your ashes.  Some were put in to a heart locket for me to always keep.  The rest are in a small bag for us to spread or bury.  It breaks my heart that you're "home" now but in this form.  Your first car ride was not in a car seat, but rather in a small white box.  Your first trip through the front door was not cradled in my arms, but carried in a bag.  I really wish you could have come home the way most babies do.  

The hospital gave us a keepsake box.  I will always treasure the things inside of it.  They made handprints and footprints, cut some locks of your hair, and included some things you had at the hospital.  We have your hat, ID band, the card from your isolette, biliband, and a few other things that were yours.     
 
The day after you passed away, I dreamed of our final moments together.  Your spirit had already left your body but you were still in the room.  The holy spirit came to you and took you by the hand.  He told you that your heavenly father was waiting for you.  Although I wish you were in my arms, it's comforting to know that you are in his.  

Many loved ones attended your memorial service.  There was not a dry eye in the room.  I hate that so few people were able to meet you while you lived.  I really hate that your big sister never got the chance to see you in person.  I know she wishes you would have come home.  We're teaching her about your new home now; heaven.  She still says she's a big sister.  I always tell her, "Yes, you are a big sister."  She will always be a big sister because of you.  She loves you just as a big sister should.  A few days ago, she told me that she wished you were coming home because she wanted you to wear baby clothes.  I'm sure she would have loved helping me dress you.  She remembers singing to you in the hospital but won't sing the song again for me to record.  I hope she eventually will because it was a song she made up, just for you.  The only lines I remember are "I love you, baby brother." and "Goodnight, sweet dreams."  

I thank God for giving us 10 wonderful days with you.  What a blessing that you were so alert on our last day together.  I really felt like we connected more on that day than ever before.  I think about the first time I held you and the first time I kissed your sweet head.  I think about the softness of your hair and the strength of your tiny little arm.  While our last moments together often creep in to my head, I mostly think about our wonderful moments together.  Thank God for those happy moments.

Happy one month birthday, sweet boy.   

    

Day 10 - Saying goodbye

Today was the most terrifying day of Case's life.  Our day began with a phone call from the NICU saying he wasn't doing well and to come up right away.  When we got there, they still didn't know what was wrong with him but were giving him antibiotics, blood, and platelets in hopes that it would help.  They had ordered lab work and an x-ray.  The x-ray showed that his intestine was inflamed which means he had an infection. He became a little more active and they said his color was better.  

As the minutes passed, the doctor was getting more information from his lab work.  We soon found out that Case had Pseudomonas. They said it was in his trachea and lungs. It also made his blood thinner so they needed to give him plasma. They said something about making sure it wasn't in his spine and brain and hoping they caught it early enough.  They also said something about it possibly turning in to meningitis.

We stayed with Case all morning but needed to come home for lunch/shift change.  I was still scared out of my mind but at peace in a way. I knew they were doing all they could and me worrying wasn't going to change the outcome. So I prayed and prayed.  The doctor told us the first 24 hours was the most critical so we made plans for our daughter to spend the night elsewhere so we could be with Case together.  

Seth visited that afternoon and took this video of our sweet boy.  Case was alert like this all day.  It was the most we had been able to interact with him since his birth.

 

That night, Seth dropped me off then came back after taking our daughter to her friend's house.  Case's heart rate was low and he wasn't responding to their efforts to bring it up.  Seth came about 10 minutes later and we sat hand in hand, watching the 6 medical professionals work on our son.  He had internal bleeding and there was nothing they could do to stop it.  A few minutes later, we were allowed to hold Case for his last moments.  Many tears were shed as we said goodbye to our little fighter.  

We are mourning the loss of our sweet boy.  We appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers.   

Day 9

Today was another good day!  Case is still intubated but he's doing very well with the breathing assistance.   There wasn't much change today except his weight.  He's up to 2 lb 11 oz which means he's over his birth weight!  Seth got to change Case's diaper today for the first time, and the nurse's started feeding him again.  When a preemie is intubated, they hold off on feeding them until they know there are no infections.  He was getting 3 cc feedings again today and they'll increase his feedings in 24 hours if he continues to do well with the amount. 
Here are some pictures.

 

 

Day 8

Today was much better!  When Seth first went to visit this morning, the nurse explained that being intubated again was not only normal, but expected.  Babies will do fine at first after being extubated, but will get worn out after a while and need to be intubated again.  Case made it 5 whole days before needing help breathing again!  The nurse said that it was amazing he made it that long.  He's such a strong little fighter.  

We were able to visit Case together tonight.  That was so nice.  Case is 2 lb 9 oz now so only 1 ounce from his birth weight!  The humidity in his incubator was turned off so now he can be swaddled.  He looked so cozy all swaddled up.  I was able to take some pictures with Seth's hand on Case.  It is amazing how small he is in comparison to Seth's hand instead of mine.  Small but mighty!