Seven in Heaven!

 Our little guy would have been seven this year.  It's so hard to believe.  We felt like a superhero theme would be perfect for him.  There are soooo many to choose from but we felt like Superman was the most fitting for our super guy.  

We bought him a funko pop superman figure for the top of his cake and red and blue candles seemed perfect.  His sisters made him cards and we sang happy birthday to him.  

Our girls, especially the younger ones, are so sweet while trying to celebrate their big brother.  They never got to meet him of course, but they know about him and were happy to tell people it was their brother's birthday.  It's hard because their brother's death is "normal" to them and they're excited to tell others about him.  In a Zoom kindergarten class though, I love that she wants to share him but am scared of the reaction from other parents and kids.  We don't have the privilege of shielding our children from death but I understand wanting to keep that innocence.  Our littlest also made sure to announce his birthday to anyone.  She was happy to say, "It's my brother's birthday, but he died.  We made a cake for him!"  

As the years have passed, I haven't felt the heavy weight of grief when November comes.  The memory of him is more like a soft feather stroking my cheek versus the stinging slap it used to be.  I suppose it's normal and natural that as life has moved forward, my identity as the mom of a preemie who died has been revised and I identify much more as the mom of three girls.  The loss of him often feels like it was in a different lifetime.   We went to visit his tree recently and this picture speaks to me.  My identity as the mom of three girls is always evolving as my girls do while my identity as his mom is steady, never-changing, just as he is.   

I have a cousin who is like a sister to me.  She was recently hospitalized in preterm labor at only 25 weeks along.  The flood of emotions I began to feel and all of the memories that bubbled up to the surface took me by surprise.  Her little girl is one day old today and their NICU journey is just beginning.  I read through the posts I wrote for Case and focused on each photograph.  Case's death was so final and it's hard to remember what it was like when I thought we might be bringing him home.  I recall frantically searching for preemie boy clothes so I could dress him when given the chance.  I remember the other preemie moms telling me to slow down and just use the clothes the hospital gave us to dress him in because I'd have a lifetime to buy him clothes.  How sad it is that I never got to dress him at all.  As my cousin's journey begins, I find myself being the mom of a preemie who died once again.  Today, that it my identity.  I suppose it will wax and wane throughout my life.  As time goes on, we become redefined and while being a mom of three girls is my primary role, being Case's mom is always going to be part of who I am.   I am grateful that my cousin was able to get support from me during her hospital stay and that her baby seems to be doing just as well as Case was so far. I pray that my cousin's NICU journey continues to be one of promise and joy.   

Six on the sixth!

Hard to believe our boy is celebrating his golden birthday this year.  I wanted this year to be special, different, the celebration of his life to be larger.  I thought about having a party for him and inviting those in our lives that have loved him despite not knowing him.  As the month approached, it felt so strange to me, to have a birthday party for someone who isn't alive, but I pushed through because I wanted this year to be more memorable.  A friend recommended having a football themed party because my husband loves football, so our 6 year old boy probably would too.  Their birthdays are only 8 days apart so that Saturday was 3 days after Case's and 5 days before my husband's, and that gave me a perfect opportunity to do a joint football party where we could celebrate both of my guys.

I felt like the only way to keep it happy was to make it short and sweet.  The party for Case was 30 minutes and was just before the party for my husband.  Those invited to Case's received a "VIP pass" invitation in addition to the "football ticket" to come to my husband's party.  It was really cute and the guests enjoyed that.

We did a tailgating theme and had people bring a side to share.  Case's cake was a football shape while my husband's was yellow with little football candles.  We asked guests to bring a gift for a 6 year old boy that we will donate to toys for tots when the toy drives begin.

The day began and my emotions were running so high.  This was the one and only time we'd ever have a party for our guy and I wanted everything to be just right.  We'd never invited others to celebrate him before.  We'd never shared "him" with our friends.  While I was nervous about how it would go, about celebrating the birthday of someone who wasn't alive, it really couldn't have been more beautiful.  We had many kids around who were wearing their VIP passes which said his name.  His bear was sitting next to his cake.  We had his photo album out and people could take it and see our boy if they felt inclined to.  Most of them did, and it warmed my heart to be able to share a baby album with friends, just like any mom would love to do.  While it was hard to DO his party, having others celebrate our guy will stay with me forever.

I didn't expect much on his birthday this year, since we had a party scheduled.  My friends... they're so wonderful... they brought me cards and flowers just like they have been doing every other year.  I'm working at a preschool this year and three of the other teachers did something to honor him on the 6th.  It was unexpected and so touching.

The sweetest thing this year was that on his birthday, I woke up to our littlest (who is almost 3) singing Happy Birthday to him while holding a balloon my husband bought.  She likes to end words in "O" though, so she was singing Happy Birthday, dear Case-o, and it sounded like queso.  Having pure joy as the first thing I heard that morning really colored how my day would be.  I shared with friends about this Case-o nickname and how wonderful it was to have something new for him.   It's strange but after someone is gone, you don't have new memories, you know?  And when that person is gone before you have any sense of who they are, nicknames and such just never happen.  So to have a nickname given by his littlest sister, it was just a beautiful thing.  Now to add to that...

It just so happens that Nov 6 is actually National Nacho day so a friend told me it was Case-o day for real!  I mentioned this online and quite a few friends had queso in his honor.  Our family?  We LOVE some queso!  So off to our favorite Mexican restaurant we went, and we had queso for our Case-o too.  A good friend invited us to have ice cream with her family (her treat) so we met her after dinner and had some ice cream before coming home and eating football cupcakes I made for Case.

Every year, his birthday has been so heavy on my heart.  This year was the same, except it felt like it would have if he were here.  I'm sure he would have wanted queso, that we'd call him case-o, that we would have gone out for ice cream, that he would have wanted a football party, and that he would have loved doing a joint party with his dad.  This year definitely felt the most "normal".

This year, Case would have started Kindergarten.  On the first day of school, it hit me that he would be going to school with his big sister.  I had visions of her walking him to class because he was nervous.  Then I realized he wouldn't have been nervous.  Somehow, I just know he would have been the kid who waves bye at the school front door as I stood watching him and holding back tears, trying to look strong in case he looked back.  I don't think he would have been the quiet kid that our oldest was.  He would have been himself... and I wish I could know what that would have been.  Having other moms being sad on the first day of school hit me really hard this year, as they were struggling with saying bye for the day while I wished that was my reality as well.

I longed to be near him this year, in a way that hasn't happened before.  There have been random days where I fell asleep with his bear, more so because I wanted to snuggle something and his bear is next to my pillow each night.  For his birthday and the week following, I just needed to have him near though, and couldn't sleep without his bear.  I am so grateful that while I can't have him near, I have something of his, a piece of him.  I love our little guy so much.  Here's to Case's 6 on the 6th!             

The BIG 5!

It's hard to believe that yet another year has passed without you.  I have finally reached a point of your birthday being a celebration of you, of your life.  What's been interesting to me this year is all of the flashbacks.  For me, your birthday memories begin on October 31, Halloween.  

On Halloween in 2013, I was 27 weeks pregnant with you.  I had on a cute little pumpkin shirt (shown below with an added bow while I was pregnant with your little sister).  We went to a busy trick or treating area where they block off the streets, and I remember being in pain as we walked around.  Looking back, that was probably the early stages of labor with you.  Every year since, trick or treating brings me back there, back to my last happy family memory before you were born. 

  

 November 1st was a blur.  I'm assuming a indulged in a lot of sweets and watched TV with your big sister all day, haha!  November 2nd, we went grocery shopping and I had to wait in the car while a painful contraction passed.  If only I had known... the flashbacks hit me multiple times and bring me back to those days over and over.  November 2nd is filled with regrets and fear.  If only I had known...

November 3rd was a medically induced blur.  I know labor kicked up many times and I know medicine stopped it from progressing.  November 4th was spent sleeping.  I remember the 5th.  I remember the monitors, your sister coming to watch a movie with me, us reading books, sharing hospital food.  

And then there's the 6th.  Your birthday.  My water breaking.  Being terrified.  Many flashbacks.  It all feels so real, so in the moment.  The intensity of the emotions is so strong yet it also feels distant.  Four years ago, I worked on your birthday and could barely hold myself together.  I vowed to never have commitments on your birthday again, to always make November 6th about you.  I'm grateful that for the past three years, I have done that.  Today was busy with three girls in the house, but your sisters bring joy to my day and remind me of you in so many ways.  

Your oldest sister has your nose and I feel like you had the same expressions.  The middle sister has the same shaped head and eyes as you, your side profile as well.  All three of you have the same feet, and that curled pinky "Pemberton toe" your Grandma's dad had.  I love how your pinky toe curled in.  

Your littlest sister has your fingers.  When she holds my hand, it takes me back to when you held my finger with your teeny little hand.  

Today's Celebration

This year, your theme was "Space".  Your sisters love constellations and Luciana Vega (doll of the year at American Girl.  If you were here, you'd be sick of hearing about her!).  I thought a Space theme would be fitting.  I made a rocket-shaped cake along with UFO cupcakes (and some chocolate ones with stars).  

We went to visit your tree (I need to write another post about your tree!) and I was delighted that it was in bloom.  A Fall Blooming Cherry was definitely the right choice.  While all the trees around were either changing colors or losing leaves, yours was the only one that was flowering.  It provided such a beautiful contrast.

We each wrote a note (or scribbled) on your balloon and released it.  Your middle sister said it flew up to Heaven and you got it.  Your littlest sister was not happy about the balloon flying away but seemed to understand when we explained that it was your balloon.  She asked us where it was the whole ride home!  You can just barely see it in the heart on the last picture. 

   

After your balloon flew out of sight, the sun broke through and the lake looked stunning.

Your middle sister asked this morning if we were going to your house tonight for your birthday.  She's 3 (and 9 months) and is just beginning to process these types of things.  We explained to her that you are in heaven and don't have a house.  Tonight, she asked if you'd be coming to our house for your birthday, so we tried to explain again.  She felt like you'd really be getting that balloon we sent off and who knows... maybe you really will.  We went through your pictures tonight to try to show her who you are and explain what happened.  When we got to the end, she wanted to look through them again.  I am so glad that she's beginning to "know" you.  

Happy 5th birthday, Case in Space!  I miss you today and forever.  Love, Mommy

Little sisters

Last November, I was 32 weeks pregnant with Case's second little sister and was experiencing contractions.  With a cerclage in place, I didn't think much of it.  I told my doctor about the contractions and we agreed to a check up a few days later.  She wasn't too concerned either.  

I had my appointment at exactly 33 weeks and found out I was a centimeter dilated and had torn through my cerclage.  I was told to go straight to the hospital to have it surgically removed and also warned that removal could cause immediate labor.  

Back track to when we were trying for this sweet baby... It was March 2016 and I was upset we hadn't conceived.  I thought having a November baby would be wonderful... something joyful to look forward to in November, something to balance out the pain we will always feel in that month.  But when March came and went without seeing two lines, I knew that November baby wasn't going to happen.  We did conceive the very next month and that little one was due December 30th.  There was NO CHANCE I'd have that November baby.  Once my cerclage was placed, we were told it wouldn't be removed until 37 weeks which was December 3rd.  Once again, no chance of having that November baby.  Except....

During the early days of my pregnancy, I talked with others about how I wished things would go.  More than once, I said that I WISHED this baby would come a month early, around 34 weeks, so s/he would be born in November, be old enough and strong enough to not need NICU help, but be early enough to have to go to the NICU.  I thought that would be a healing experience, to be back in those walls.  

Fast forward once again... It's November 11th and I was told to go to the hospital to have my cerclage removed.  After arriving, we sat in triage for hours and hours.  The nurses kept apologizing.  I kept hearing comments about how my contractions were picking up or were pretty regular.  And yet, it was a busy day in Labor and Delivery.  Quite a few babies needed to be born via c-section and so the operating room wasn't available.  I wasn't an emergency situation and I was thankful for that.  

Eleven hours after arriving at the hospital, I was finally brought back for my cerclage removal.  The doctors weren't sure how to go about this.  Cutting the stitch would likely puncture the sac and our baby would have been born right away.  They ultimately found a solution and were able to remove to cerclage.  I was dilated to 3 centimeters by then and was sent to the bed rest unit with antibiotics in an IV drip for 4 days.  I was finally released on November 14th.  At this point, I thought our baby would stay put until December 3rd.  All of my babies come on the third!  I had kind of forgotten about my "wish" of an early baby.

I had an appointment with my doctor on November 23rd, the day before Thanksgiving.  She asked me if I wanted her to check me and I said no, that we should just let the baby be.  I also told her that she'd come on December 3rd.  My doctor laughed and said that was too early, that she needed to stay a bit longer.  Later that night, two weeks into bed rest, my water broke.  We went to the hospital in shock.  This baby was coming... in November... at 34 weeks gestation!

Birth was extremely fast.  At the time she was born, I had only been in the delivery room for 3 minutes and the triage nurse was the only one in there with me, having just pushed me over from triage.  Our second rainbow was born pink and screaming.  I didn't know it at that time, but their NICU cut off is 35 weeks and she just missed that by 22 hours.  She was born on Thanksgiving morning, November 24, 2016, at 2:13 am.  

We had a perfectly healthy preemie.  She was breathing completely on her own.  She was able to regulate her own temperature.  She could nurse and drink from a bottle.  Essentially, she didn't NEED the NICU.  But because she was early, she had to go.  She developed jaundice and we ended up staying for 9 days.  9 days of seeing other babies, of seeing other moms of preemies, of seeing 24 weekers going home, of seeing 28 weekers thriving, 9 days of hearing the beeps of machines, of seeing the joy and fear on NICU parents' faces.  It was incredibly challenging for me but also incredibly healing.  

She wasn't born on December 3rd, but that's when our sweet little one came home.  

Right in the midst of our grieving season, November 6 - 16, we were dealing with the prospect of having another preemie.  I didn't want her to be born during that window of time.  That time is precious to Case.  I had four days in the hospital to think about my last 4 days in the hospital.  This time though, I left with my baby still on the inside.  

It's amazing how the timing of all of that worked out.  This November, we do have something joyful to look forward to.  While preparing for Case's birthday, we get to prepare for his littlest sister's birthday as well.  I find it so ironic that November is premature birth awareness month, and we've had two preemies in this month.  I'm also in awe that having another November baby seemed impossible, but somehow, it happened.  I'm so thankful for all of our little ones.  

     

4th Birthday

Sweet boy, how has it been four years since we first met you?  I really don't know how time flies by so quickly.  It seems like just a week ago that I was in the hospital, meeting you for the very first time.  And yet, it also feels like my arms have been yearning to hold your once again for far more than four years.

We celebrated your birthday with a lumberjack theme.  This is your cover photo card.  I wanted something with a tree on it and when I searched, this theme came up and I figured with your birthday being in the Fall, it would be perfect for you.

This is your cake which is made to look like a log.  I made the chocolate bark which didn't go as well as I had hoped it would, but I'm also no professional, haha!  It was a chocolate fudge cake with chocolate fudge icing and chocolate bark.  

It was decadent and delicious.

At 3:34, the time you were born, I lit your candle.  This candle holder was a gift from a friend and I still adore it.  I'm so thankful she thought to get it for me.

We had pizza for dinner because Hadley thought your favorite food would be pizza.  She's probably right.  Would have preferred plain cheese or pepperoni?  

Here is your cake with your bear and your candle set up right by it.

We sang to you and then blew out your candles for you.  The cake was delicious!  We had a piece on a plate in front of your bear, and once our pieces were gone, we split yours up between daddy and Hadley.  

I wanted to get another Case tractor for you this year and it totally slipped my mind until Saturday.  I bought it but knew there was no way it would get to us by Monday.  Even though it had to travel all the way from the West coast to the East coast, and even though Sunday is a no-mail day, it somehow made it to my hands on Monday, your birthday!!! This is the second year we've had a birthday miracle involving your gifts and I'm absolutely sure you have a hand in that.  

We think about gifts we can give you every year and it's always a challenge.  This year, we were invited by a fellow loss mom to join her at a 

March of Dimes Gala just a few weeks ago.  We donated some money to 

March of Dimes and I consider that to be somewhat of a birthday gift to you, although it was also to honor Violet.  As a side note, Violet's mom and I think you two are probably best friends up there in heaven.  We assume you two keep your eyes on us and since we're often together, you two probably bumped into each other a few times.  I bet she's like a big sister to you.  

We also chose to get a tree for you this year, which is where your birthday theme came from.  We went to a nursery and daddy picked out an 8 ft dogwood tree.  It's a beautiful little tree and I love that we now have a memory tree of yours in our front yard.  I am looking forward to seeing it bloom this Spring.

Last year, two of our friends brought us gifts to help us celebrate your life.  This year, they both did that once again.  I cannot put into words how thankful I am for them and for the love they show to us, and therefore to you.  

One of the friends brought us a few things which included a buffalo plaid hat ornament to go with your birthday theme this year.  She said she saw it and knew it was perfect.  But at that time, she didn't realize how perfect it actually was because it happens that it fits your bear's head perfectly!

Some day this hat will be taken off, but for right now I just love it and so it's staying on your little bear's head.  Your bear is holiday ready!  

This birthday had a different tone to it than past birthdays.  During your first birthday, we desperately wanted it to be a celebration and tried soooo hard to be happy that day.  But with where we were in our grief journey, that literally just wasn't possible.  Your second birthday was a mix of grief and joy.  Your third was really hard once again.  But this birthday, we were able to focus on the joy your birth brought to us and had a beautiful day of celebrating you.  I am incredibly grateful for the healing that time has brought to us, but also want to make sure you know that you're never far from my heart.

Happy birthday, sweet baby Case.  

Even though you would be such a big boy now, you'll always be my baby.  

I hope you could feel our love for you reaching all the way to heaven.

Little signs

I tend to look for things to remind me of Case as I go through my days.  Recently, I saw a car with Case's birthday as the license plate.  I took a picture and sent it to the one person I knew would think it was a beautiful coincidence.  NOV6TH

The thing I see most often is Case tractors.  To be honest, I didn't know Case was the brand of anything before we had our little boy.  To later find out that tractors, a standard "boy" thing, was branded with his name was really sweet.  I used to picture telling him that one of HIS tractors was in view.  I can only imagine the joy a 2-3 year old boy would get out of seeing a tractor with his own name on it.  I forgot about that with the bustle of life.  I have been looking for those tractors as pick-me-ups lately.  I see the other brands and feel disappointed.  A few days ago, I saw a CAT tractor and my mind played out the scene as I wish it was.  I leaned my head to the back seat and said, "Sorry son!  That's not one of your special ones.  Maybe the next one will be."  I think the almost-four-year-old would be expecting all the tractors to be "his" nowadays.

A random conversation recently revealed that an older lady in our community lost her first baby to prematurity, but randomly enough, also at 10 days old.  I'm hoping to speak with this woman about her life after that.  She had three more kids (her loss was her first born) and her kids are all grown now.  The greatest gift for me is being able to connect to other mothers who have experienced loss, and I feel she would be able to offer a lot of insight.

Another loss-mom friend of mine once told me that 3 years was a breaking point for her.  She was "better" in that her life was churning along and she was coasting, but her mental state began to suffer. I didn't understand it at the time.  I felt like I was doing fine and more time meant more sanity.  Every month was a little better than the last so how could it get worse?

Almost 4 years out, I'm feeling what she felt.  It's not worse right now than it was months ago, but the chaos of life in general plus the immense stress I've been under due to unrelated incidences has led to me truly feeling like I've lost my mind.  I think back to the last time I truly felt sane and it was before Case.  October 31, Halloween 2013.  I had every reason to believe the future held nothing but joy for us, and then experienced the most tragic heartbreak.

I probably should have sought out counseling when we lost him.  We had two losses before him and I felt like a new baby would fix things.  The heartache kept piling up and I hit the bottom.  After digging myself out for nearly 4 years, I am now fully aware that I need some help sorting through life in general.  I need help with the anxiety caused by my losses.  I need help dealing with the stress of life.  I need help to learn how to honor my son's memory or being joyful without feeling guilty for not doing it "right".  I took a big step last week and sought out a counselor.

We all have our struggles in this life.  I have slowly allowed my struggles to steal my joy.  I miss the woman I was before my losses.  I am hoping that counseling helps me find that woman once again.

Case is 3!

It's always hard knowing how to celebrate the birthday of someone who isn't with you.  I worry about doing too much or too little, never really knowing where to draw the line or even knowing what feels right for us.   But birthdays come and we roll with them.

Case would be 3 years old today.  If he were with us, we would have had a big birthday party yesterday.  It's impossible to know what he'd be in to, but after some googling on boy's 3rd birthday party themes, I thought a race car theme was pretty cute.  If you know me, you know I go all out for birthday parties.  I love a good theme and I love making things like the invitations, a birthday shirt, cake, and decorations.  But again, how much is too much?  Why make a card when no one is going to come?  So instead of a "card", I decide to make my facebook cover photo into a card for him every year.  This year was a vintage race car.  

I absolutely loved the look of the banner and the car.  I imagine most of our decor would be in these colors and that little car... so perfect even down to the #3!

The cake was the next big thing.  His first birthday, I just made a basic cake.  His second birthday, a close friend brought a cake for us which was just beyond sweet.  But this year, with a theme in mind, I decided to make him a cake.  I spend a lot of time on the cakes I make for my other children's birthdays so it was kind of nice to do the same for him.

  

Our oldest actually made the cake herself.  I baked it and decorated it, and my husband crunched up the oreos for the road.  He also helped me figure out how to pour the oreos on without making a huge mess of everything!  A 3-shaped race track with 3 cars... <3  

One other thing that was new this year was I got him a present.  I wasn't sure about doing that... what do you get for someone that you know will literally never use it?  But then again, my SON is turning 3.  How can I not get him a birthday present?  But what could I get?

One thing that's happened this year is I've seen a lot of construction vehicles, specifically Case brand.  Seeing them always put a smile on my face so I knew that was what I needed to get for him.  At 3 years old, Case now has his first birthday present.  I am going to put it in my craft cabinet to display, and I have a feeling I'll be getting him a new piece for the collection every year.

   

His big sister is old enough now that she understands this day is special to us and really misses her brother.  On Tuesday, 5 days before his birthday, she decided to make him a card.  My heart melted.  She made a book for him this morning but I did not take any pictures of it.  She makes me smile through my sadness.

We decided to make this day as normal as possible, basically making it a day like it would have been if he were here.  We went to church this morning and I broke down into tears a few times.  It's hard knowing what today could have been instead of what it is.  He would have been running around to all of our church friends saying, "It's my birthday!  I'm 3!!!"  

After church, we came home to pack a lunch and went to the lake to have a family picnic.  It was an absolutely gorgeous day.  We brought his sweet little bear with us which helped me feel a little more connected to him.  

After our picnic, we had been invited to a group barbecue and I wasn't sure if I'd be emotionally able to attend, but I was holding up a lot better than I expected to be.  We decided to go and it was really nice.  Other people there acknowledged him and the event helped me keep my mind preoccupied.  

When we got home, I saw our glass door was slightly opened and I told my husband that either the B family or the J family had left something for us for his birthday.  And actually, BOTH of them had!  It's hard to have your kid's birthday celebrated alone, but how can you invite others to take part in the sadness?  Having friends that know and still want to show you they care is the most amazing feeling.  We received 3 balloons and two flower arrangements.  Case's little bear is posing with the gifts.

  

Case's 3rd birthday was the first one that I felt we were truly able to celebrate even through the sadness.  We sang him happy birthday, ate a little bit of his cake, and opened his gift for him.  His big sister explained to him what his gifts were and what you do with them.  

It is impossible to believe that 3 years have passed since we first got to meet this sweet little boy.  I am eternally grateful for the 10 days we were given to love on him, but I will always wish we had more.  

Love you, sweet Case.